Dynamic Duos
This column is part of a series that addresses issues frequently affecting gay and lesbian ( as well as many opposite-sex ) relationships. Written by a professional counselor with vignettes based on real people and situations, the series is meant to help support couples through developmental stages and common difficulties.
Ida had always been a wild, carefree spender. She figured that, since she worked so hard to make good money at her advertising job, she deserved to buy what she wanted whenever she wanted it. Ida's love of good wine, fine dining, theatre, and travel to faraway beaches and ski slopes kept her credit cards pressing against their maximums-;and her payments leaning against their minimums. She simply didn't like wasting her time thinking about money. And that had somehow always worked just fine for her. At least, it had worked fine for just her.
Her new lover June had always been a budgeter, a saver, and a generally responsible person financially. Unlike Ida, although June had never made a lot of money at her various retail jobs, she'd been able to save money for her future. She accomplished this by being generally thrifty, cutting coupons, seeking out sales, frequenting second-hand stores, and indulging in expensive activities only on very special occasions.
It was on one of these occasions that the two had met. For her 30th birthday, June had booked a women's cruise to the Greek Isles ( for which she paid in full out of her savings ) . A year later, Ida and June moved in together. Because both realized that their financial approaches were so different, they decided to keep their money separate. They hoped that would keep the financial issues between them under control.
Despite their general compatibility in every other area of their lives, money became a continual source of conflict. June couldn't keep up with Ida's luxurious tastes and Ida couldn't tolerate June's cautiousness with money. Ida felt hemmed in, controlled, and judged harshly by June, who, in turn, felt like Ida's irresponsibility threatened to bring down the solid security she had been painstakingly building up for herself her whole life. Neither wanted to end the relationship. But the money issue had gotten on each other's last nerve.
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Poor Ida and June. Each of them wants her own kind of financial security. Ida doesn't want to have to worry about it. She wants to spend money without a second thought ( or sometimes even a first ) . That's her way of feeling rich. June wants to create a nest egg that she can dip into for special occasions and emergencies, even if it means day-to-day sacrificing and avoiding credit cards. That's her way of feeling rich. Call one a tightwad, the other a spendthrift. It doesn't matter. Neither way is right or wrong, neither is better or worse. But they clearly don't mix well.
Just keeping their finances separate won't fix the problem, especially after they've lived together for a while. Will Ida really feel okay about going to Aspen again without her penny-pinching lover? Or will she pay for June to accompany her on her extravagances, leading either to Ida's resentment or June's feeling second-class? Will June be able to look away when Ida's credit card statements come in loaded with finance charges and late fees? How about disconnect notices or creditors' phone calls?
We live in a materialistic society that is frequently at odds with its own materialism. Our worth is often evaluated based on how much we earn or how much stuff we accumulate, while many of us protest that money's just not that important to us. Especially in matters of the heart, we like to think we're above all that. And, as long as our financial arrangements work out for us, it can be true. We'll cross traditional class and income barriers in the name of love. But we tend to forget just how deep our feelings about money run.
Recent studies show that, for opposite-sex couples anyway, financial issues drag more relationships into divorce than anything else. Few couples are as polarized as the women in our vignette, but most of us would admit to tendencies in one or the other direction. And when two people with different financial tendencies come together, they can create a situation that can be just as troublesome as the tale of Ida and June.
Since our material girls are material worlds apart on this issue, getting some help couldn't hurt. If Ida and June are really willing to make some changes to maintain the relationship, bringing in a couples counselor ( and probably a financial advisor ) would be well-advised.
Part of what the counselor could do is help each of them understand why she does what she does to feel secure, plus help her partner develop some compassion about it. Ida may be making up for feeling deprived as a kid. Or maybe she watched her mom go shopping every time she felt bad. Or maybe her folks were only able to show her love by buying her stuff. June may have grown up in a financially strapped household where every unexpected cost was a crisis. Or her folks may have experienced poverty early in their lives, and June inherited their fear of falling back into it. Or maybe dad took the family out for filet mignon while ignoring the phone bill.
We may not like to believe that how we grew up had much effect on us, especially when we're conscious of trying to do it differently than our parents. But money, at its root, is about security. And needing to feel secure and at least somewhat in control of our environment is basic. If our sense of security was shaken as a child, it's probably still shaky.
Both Ida and June seem to be trying to find a way to still the tremors of insecurity in their lives. Maybe that's even why they found each other. What better way to force yourself to address your own hidden insecurity than to fall in love with your worst financial nightmare?
The biggest lesson in all this is that, on an emotional level, money taps into lots of intense stuff. It touches on our essential need for physical safety, our deepest sense of security, and our ability to trust, as well as our evaluation of how worthy we are of love and respect. And much, much more.
So, if money troubles bubble up in your relationship, don't ignore them, even if they're only tiny bubbles. Talk about them with your partner before they get too complex. Don't be afraid to discuss "what if" scenarios together. Encourage each other to say your fears out loud, and then the two of you can figure out what you'll do together to handle them.
One last note: If either you or your partner find yourself getting really inflexible about some money issue, it's a big red flag. The more rigid you are about something, especially if finances are involved, the more likely it is that you're touching on some fearful, insecure place from childhood. You may not need a therapist to help you sort it out, but finding some way to think more clearly about it could help you feel more genuinely secure in the world and in your relationship.
E-mail questions or ideas for columns to paulajean@msn.com . Paula Walowitz, M.A., LPC, is a counselor in private practice who works with couples and individuals. Call 773-293-3688.
