Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

Take My Civil Unionized Partner, Please
by Jennifer Parello
2010-12-08

This article shared 1475 times since Wed Dec 8, 2010
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


We were driving down a country road in the Lake District of England when one of my British friends spotted a sign that pointed the way to the remains of an ancient Roman bath.

"Oooh, let's stop!," Jayne trilled. "I adore ruins."

"That's why you married one!," I called out from the back seat, delighted as always when I make a clever remark in the moment. Usually these come hours later, well after the statute of limitations has expired for a witty retort.

"We're NOT married," Jude, Jayne's "wife" grumbled from the driver's seat. The British gays have civil unions, not marriage.

"Well, it's not as funny to say 'that's why you civil unionized one,'" I responded, quite sensibly.

And, that, my friends, is the main reason why I think gays should be able to marry. Because it's funnier than getting civil unionized.

"Take my wife, please!"

"I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way back."

These classic jokes would lose so much punch if we were forced to replace "wife" with "civil union partner."

For years, I've been ambivalent about gay marriage. In the plus column for marriage:

It would cause many Republicans to explode. I mean that literally. Gay marriage would pass and Republicans would spontaneously combust. It would be messy but fun.

I'm intrigued by the idea of alimony, but only if it works in my favor.

I've always found ball-and-chain imagery rather titillating.

In the minus column:

Most married people don't have a lot of sex… or I should say that most married people don't have a lot of sex with each other. And I like sex. It's messy and fun, just like exploding Republicans.

When you're married, you have to go to your wife's relatives on holidays. That would make my mother mad! When you're not married, you are not considered a fully realized grown-up, and, thus, your middle-aged carcass is expected at your traditional place at the children's table at your parents' home for every holiday.

The mere mention of the word marriage makes me clammy and claustrophobic. When it comes up in conversation, I immediately begin looking for an exit sign. Maybe it's because marriage is an institution based on ownership and I don't want to be anyone's chattel. Unless, of course, I'm cast in the role of chattel as part of some type of role-playing sex romp. Then I'll merrily cede control of my personage, but only for a half hour or so.

So, when news got to England on the teletype that Illinois, the state that bore and raised me, passed civil unions for the gays, I was both happy and sad. Hurray for the liberal-minded, no-nonsense, completely corrupt but totally loveable Illinois state legislature for allowing the gays to enter into a dreary bureaucratic contractual agreement! Fantastic news, but not all that romantic.

I've been to civil union ceremonies in England, and while it's always touching to watch friends in long, loving, committed relationships formally agree to stick it out together until one of them dies, the civil ceremony lacks the panache of a wedding. Basically, in a civil service, you vow to be best pals and you seal the deal with a firm handshake. Marriage is more terrifying and, thus, more romantic.

And, so, while I really kind of hate marriage, I really kind of love it, too. Without it, we'd put a lot of old Jewish comedians out of business. With it, we'd get to watch Sarah Palin, the entire Bush family, and the new Speaker of the House whose last name sounds suspiciously like an erect penis explode in front of our eyes.


This article shared 1475 times since Wed Dec 8, 2010
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

CPS staffers fired in wake of Marine Leadership Academy scandal 2021-11-21
- Chicago Public Schools (CPS) officials announced that 12 employees at Marine Leadership Academy and a school volunteer either committed or covered up sexual misconduct that dates back five years, The Chicago Tribune reported. Ten adults have ...


Gay News

ART 'Frida Kahlo: Timeless' extended to Sept. 12 2021-08-26
- "Frida Kahlo: Timeless," hosted by the Cleve Carney Museum of Art (CCMA) and the McAninch Arts Center (MAC) at the College of DuPage (COD), has been extended an additional week to Sept. 12. To date, "Timeless" ...


Gay News

MUSIC Morrissey, Slipknot added to Riot Fest 2021-08-23
- With Nine Inch Nails cancelling all 2021 tour dates, including this year's Riot Fest (Sept. 16-19, in Chicago's Douglass Park), festival organizers revealed headliner additions and that a second batch of Riot Fest Late Night show ...


Gay News

Uniting Pride of Champaign County announces dates, theme of Pride events 2021-07-08
- Uniting Pride of Champaign County announced the dates and theme for the 2021 Champaign-Urbana PrideFest and Parade. C-U Pridefest will be held the weekend of Sept. 24-26. After a year of isolation due to COVID-19 and ...


Gay News

Research documents disproportionate harms of discrimination on LGBTQ People of Color 2021-06-16
--From a press release - Today, a coalition of leading LGBTQ rights groups joined together to release the most extensive summaries to date of scholarly data on the intersection of anti-LGBTQ and racial discrimination. The research brief, authored by the What ...


Gay News

Lady Gaga releasing 10th-anniversary edition of 'Born This Way' June 25 2021-05-28
- Lady Gaga announced a special-edition Born This Way: The Tenth Anniversary album that will be released via Interscope on June 25, according to a press release. (The release date was previously June 18.) ...


Gay News

Pride Parade date announced 2021-05-26
- PRIDEChicago announced that the date of this year's Pride Parade is Sunday, Oct. 3. The Parade route will remain the same as past years. The path will begin at Montrose Avenue and Broadway and then move ...


Gay News

Lollapalooza expected to return July 29-Aug. 1 2021-05-14
- The Lollapalooza Festival will return to Chicago with a four-day event at its usual place and date range — Grant Park, July 29-Aug. 1—according to Variety. The City of Chicago gave the event the green light ...


Gay News

Netflix to debut limited series 'Halston' on May 14 2021-04-23
- On what would have been legendary fashion designer Roy Halston Frowick's 89th birthday (on April 23), Netflix stated it was honoring the visionary icon by announcing the Friday, May 14, global premiere date for the five-episode ...


Gay News

ART 'Immersive Van Gogh' extended through Sept. 6 in Chicago 2021-02-13
- Lighthouse ArtSpace Chicago—a new venue within Chicago's recently renovated landmark Germania Club Building, 108 W. Germania Pl.—will extend the dates of the U.S. premiere of the art experience "Immersive Van ...


Gay News

Wizard World Chicago moved from June to August 2021-02-05
- Wizard Brands, Inc. announced that its scheduled 2021 live event in Chicago has been postponed due to COVID-19 restrictions and in continued accordance with federal, state and local guidelines. Instead of the original dates of June ...


Gay News

Milwaukee PrideFest announces postponement 2021-01-28
--From a press release at milwaukeepride.org - Milwaukee PrideFest has announced that it will move this year's festival from its usual time slot in early June. PrideFest is working with Milwaukee Ethnic Festivals, Inc. on potential dates, hoping to reschedule the event for late summer or early fal ...


Gay News

LGBTQ+ Americans greet the Biden-Harris era with hope, hesitancy 2021-01-22
Kate Sosin, 19thnews.org - To many, the moment marks a new dawn, the end of deeply distressing four years. Others are simply exhausted. A lot of kids spend their teenage years worrying about dates and dances. Eli Bundy has spent ...


Gay News

Billy Masters 2021-01-05
- "Gay man has too much to drink and legally changes name to Celine Dion."—New Year's Day headline from England. Not only is it embarrassing, it's woefully out of date. I mean, Celine Dion—how retro! I know ...


Gay News

NATIONAL Adoption-agency case, Chick-fil-A, LGBTQ candidates, Cher 2020-08-24
- The U.S. Supreme Court set Wed., Nov. 4, as the date when it will hear oral arguments on whether a taxpayer-funded, religious-affiliated adoption agency can lawfully reject same-sex couples—a case that could have significant impact on ...


 



Copyright © 2021 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots      OUT! Guide     
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam      Outguide Categories      Outguide Advertisers      Search Outguide      Travel      Dining Out      Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.