It's not often I fall for a ventriloquist—come to think of it, I've never fallen for a ventriloquist—but the little ventrilo-cutie I met at IML had this old queen in a real tizzy. I think what attracted me to him was that he was fisting his doll, while throwing his voice without moving his lips at all—I like a man who can do two things at once.
I'm not quite sure what the exact relationship was between the ventriloquist and the doll. They were close, but monogamous? I doubt it. He was certainly very pretty. No, not the one with the wood pecker, the other one ...
Whatever happened to ventriloquism? It went the way of poodle acts, plate spinning and dwarf tossing. Now, dwarf tossing, that was a fun sport ...
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It has to be a thumbs down for having IML at the Palmer House next year. It just wasn't the same atmosphere, and some of those stallholders were passing out from the heat. A shopping highlight was visiting the women at Vex Clothing—"Creative, sexy, and fun latex clothing." You can find them at www.vexclothing.net
... Also Chad and Brian-Mark modeling at the House of Whacks, and talking with two of San Francisco's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. I have a soft spot for the Sisters after once being interviewed live by Sister Ejaculata of the Misconception on an Amsterdam radio show. The program was called "Teatime With Sukie" and the Sister and I spent half an hour giggling and saying fuck, shit, piss, and generally being obnoxious, just because there's no censorship there.
"Oh Sukie, you've been making your readers laugh for years, but what makes you laugh?"
"When old people fall over in the street and break their bones and lie in the gutter dying in agony for hours. I think it's funny when that happens ... "
I also heard that security at the Palmer House was tighter than a nun's asshole, and that people were using the bathrooms to pee in. How fucked up is that ... ?
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IML is always a visual feast, but it was at Mr. Bear Pride that I could easily have lost another cherry. Some of those big cuddly teddy bears were sooo ... cute. However, I never got invited to any of the private parties because ... well, I guess I'm just not fat and hairy enough, and like someone once said to me, "You're about as cuddly as a rattlesnake."
It was at Bear Pride that I got dragged over to meet a group of visiting straight people; the wives having borrowed a leather mask and dog collar for their husbands. I never found out what their story was, but it's always nice welcoming visitors into Sodom. Isn't that where all of our problems began?
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Martin, a friend of mine from England, was over for IML and brought me a pile of newspaper cuttings that he thought I might be interested in. One in particular was about the sad demise of Kelpie, the Queen of England's most senior corgi. Her Maj is very upset because she's devoted to her corgis and dorgis ( a cross between a corgi and a dachshund ) .
The Queen's corgis have not been without controversy over the years. Susan, the Queen's first dog, nipped the ankle of the royal clockwinder, and took chunks out of the legs of various servants, a detective and a policeman. Susan's grandson, Whisky, tore the seat out of a Guards officers pants, and Kelpie is suspected of disfiguring a jigsaw borrowed from the National Jigsaw Library.
And people ask me, "Why did you leave England?" Well, it's because after my taxes had gone to pay the royal clockwinder and maintain the National Jigsaw Library, there wasn't enough left for me to pay my mortgage.
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Book of the Week: I'm a sucker for those old sepia-tinged photographs of musclemen, their hot spots covered by a fig leaf or a flimsy posing pouch. I love the Mr. Universe, Mr. America, and Mr. California's of the world. Strongman: Vintage Photos of a Masculine Icon by Robert Mainardi ( Council Oak Books hardcover $24.95 ) is a wonderful collection of snapshots and postcards from around the world; from professional strongman Jules Bacon, Mr. America 1943 ( he also writes a forward to the book ) , to a snapshot of young Czech athletes.
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I might as well just hand over the ridiculous website of the week to Jason Schupp. Where does he find them?
Go visit www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com
... scary huh?
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Here's a puzzler: I wouldn't know a gym if it jumped up and slapped me in the head, but my significant other is a regular there. He tells me—and you gym queens might be able to confirm this—that straight men always put their socks on last, that's after they put on their pants.
Asking around, I found out that gay guys always put their socks on before their pants. I do. What do you think?
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The Bijou searched deep in their vaults and blew the cobwebs off this one for me: Gayracula, starring Tim Kramer, Steve Collins, Rand Remington, Randal Butler and a host of other boys. Gayracula begins with chanting monks carrying a coffin into a cave, then a monk taking off the lid and attempting to stake a vampire, but too late ... the vampire turns into a bat ( on a wire ) and escapes.
Then we go back in time to the Year 1783 and the Marquis de Suede ... yep, de Suede ... who fucks and bites Gaylord, a young stud delivering a family heirloom to de Suede's castle. Gaylord is now doomed to the torment of everlasting life and lust ... ( And this is bad, right? ) .
... Two hundred years later in Los Angeles, Gaylord finally takes revenge on the Marquis ...
... and manages to sink his teeth into someone's ass along the way ...
Everything in this movie is huge except the budget. This is a real gem from the archives and you can get your copy at the Bijou Theater at 1349 N. Wells St., where you can also pick up the famous Bijou catalog on CD-Rom.
