One thing I've learned from junk mail is that everybody in the 3rd World—where's the 1st and the 2nd Worlds, that's what I want to know—wants to give me money.
Take, for example, my new best friend Mr. Basher Sese Seko, who writes to say he is 'the son of the late President of Zaire (President Mobutu Sese Seko) now known as the Democratic Republic of Congo and under the leadership of the, son of Mr. Laurent Kabila.'
Mr. Basher Sese Seko has a heartbreaking story to tell: It's 2 a.m. in the morning, I've had a couple of cocktails, and I'm surrounded by wet teary tissues. The e-mail reads: 'I presume you are aware there are financial dispute between my family (THE MOBUTU) and the present civilian Government. This is based on what they believe as bad and corrupt governance on my late father's part. May his soul rest in perfect peace.'
'You may have heard how a lot of my father's bank account in Switzerland and North America has been frozen. Following the outlined reasons, I am soliciting for your esteemed organization's confidential assistance to take custody of Ten Million United States Dollars (U.S. $10,000,000.00) and also to front for my family in the areas of business you consider profitable.'
I've written back to Mr. Basher Sese Seko saying that my organization, Sukie de la Croix C'Sucker Inc., is happy to 'take custody' of the Mobutu family's U.S. $10,000,000 and invest it in my company's new venture i.e. providing votive candles for the Catholic church with a fun Tinkerbell motif on each one.
I await my reply from Mr. Basher Sese Seko with interest.
I recently offered to go into business with Mr. Robert Eddie, son of Mr. Murphy II Jr., of the Cote de Ivorie—Ivory Coast, but he didn't seem interested in my Tinkerbell votive candles. Oh well!!
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Was Jesus Christ a gay man? This is the kind of subject matter middle-aged theologians with beards sit around talking about while the rest of us are struggling to pay the rent.
Whether Biblical mysteries like was JC gay or not, is God really a woman, what did Mary Magdeline keep in her purse apart from birth control pills and ribbed condoms, are all completely irrelevant, given the fact that JC's followers are still trying to kill us, and always will be.
However, just in case you missed this story, the question of JC's sexuality has finally been settled once and for all; he was a big sissy-boy who rode more than one ass into Jerusalem.
Who says? Australian academic and astrologer, Rollan McCleary, that's who. He has deduced that because Jesus was born in mid-September in 7BC, the 'alleged' Son of God's horoscope says he must be gay.
I'm convinced!
McCleary—known to his academic peers as 'That Fruit & Nut Job'—was awarded a PhD by a Queensland university in gay spirituality. I think it was the Queensland University for Celestial New Age Nonsense.
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Here's a headline from gay.com: 'Botched Operation Left Him 'Gay.''
Some straight guy in Britain claims he went into hospital for heart surgery and came out gay!!
Well, not quite. Apparently, during his surgery, the doctors had to take a vein from his leg to replace a section of blocked artery in his chest.
The problem came when they made the incision and didn't notice the guy's tattoo, which read I Love Women. Yep, after the surgery it read I Love Men. As you can imagine, he's pissed.
Oops!