A lot of people think that Osama bin Laden is a tall Muslim guy with bad kidneys and the chameleon-like skills to be able to turn himself into a donkey turd every time a plane flies over.
Or that's what the government wants you to think. The truth is that bin Laden is far more sinister; he's an Islamo-Bot from planet MooBog IV and he's currently circling the Earth in a craft where he's being repeatedly anally probed by hermaphrodites from planet Yves St. Laurent.
The problem is that we thought those '50s sci-fi movies were fiction; they weren't. The Earth really is infested with evil green slimy blobs of pod people from distant planets. How else do you explain Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush, Britney Spears, Kelly Osbourne and the two remaining Bee Gees.
I think that women who went to see those old sci-fi movies became pregnant from the theater seats, installed by aliens. I think that Barbara Bush must have had her 'tight spot' secretly pumped with alien love juice while watching Ming's Tournament of Death, when Flash Gordon was battling a horny ape, the dreaded Sacred Orangapod … wham bam thank you mam.
Nine months later out pops Half Alien/Half Peanut George W. Bush, who grew up to engineer a cosmic battle between two outdated and meaningless ideologies …
… and all this coming after humanity had been beaten down for years by the overblown harmonies of alien life-forms like the Bee
Gees, and plastic juvenilia from Britney Spears and Kelly Osbourne.
It's all one big alien conspiracy.
I've found a cure for impotent boot fetishists. No longer do you have to look longingly at boots and not get an erection, because now you can live inside a boot. According to AP, in Hellam, Pa., there's a 25-ft. beige stucco house shaped like a workman's boot.
It has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and living room and was put on the market in June at $129,000. It was built in 1948 and is called the Haines Shoe House on Shoe House Road, just a few miles east of the city of York.
For any boot fetishist this has to be a real turn-on.
Now, if there was a house shaped like a decoy duck (See column two weeks ago), I'd buy it.
Religionists and right-wingers in Scotland are currently having a hissy fit over some Persona Dolls being used to teach schoolchildren about same-sex relationships.
Lesbian Mothers Scotland group, who gave birth to this Lottery-funded idea, claim it's a good way to teach children about racism, gender, disability, health, culture, religion and other equality issues.
The aim is to help children 'unlearn discriminatory attitudes and behavior.'
Sounds to me like social engineering and political correctness gone horribly bad. I don't think children are our toys to play with. I'm siding with the religious nuts on this one.
Or maybe the kids' parents should go to these classes.
Speaking of dolls, go visit White Trash Barbie and her boyfriend Abusive Kenny at www.whitetrashworld.com/