So I'm flying around the kitchen looking for a snack, I open the freezer, pull out a box of Gardenburger Meatless Riblets and throw the
contents into the microwave.
Then I start reading the box. 'It's a man's sympathy with all creatures that first makes him truly a man.' Albert Schweitzer … it
says. I'll go along with that, even though Schweitzer was seemingly unaware that women existed.
Also on the box is a coupon that reads: '25 Karma Points. Redeemable in this life and beyond.'
That's nice, as being the selfish bastard that I am, I need all the karma points I can get, otherwise I'm reincarnating as a slug. Yes,
I've been a vegetarian for about 25 years. Don't panic, I'm not an evangelical, I don't give a shit what you eat, but Iand I'm all about
me choose to avoid taking another creature's life ...
However, having said that, if I find the spider that bit me last week, it's dead, it's history, it will be an EX-SPIDER. If it's up for a Best
Spider of the Year award, it will be POSTHUMOUS. It will be pushing up daisies with Monty Python's parrot. I will squish it flat and
fuck the karmic repercussions.
Have you ever been bitten by a spider? Oh man, it hurt! No, I didn't go to a doctor ( I'm more frightened of doctors than I am of
dying ) . I sprayed my swollen arm with everything from antihistamines to Windex and after about four days the swelling started to go
down.
I'm just writing this warning in case any eight-legged freaks are reading this and happen to live in the Lincoln Square
neighborhood. If you see a big screaming nelly swishing down the street, you better run and hide because I am now the Arachno-
Genocide Terminator.
You will die!!
+++
If you want a truly relaxing meditative experience go visit cuntcircus.com/movie3.htm and watch the dancing cunts. It's very
hypnotic …
+++
I'm so pleased with myself because after all these years of being fetish-free, I've now found something that actually turns me on:
Clowns. I don't know why I never saw it before.
Go to pornclownposse.com …
… Yep, it's a Web site for clown fetishists. I've discovered I'm a S/M clown top. Basically, I could get off on dominating clowns i.e.
slapping a pie in their face, tipping buckets of slime over their heads, that kind of stuff. Now, what you wear hanging out of your back
pocket at the Eagle for an S/M clown fetish, I don't know. Maybe a red nose on the left.
Even reading about the Santa v Clown wrestling match on the Web site makes me moist. Hey, but what's this …
www.stopclownpornnow.org/
It's another Web site that sets out to ban Internet Clown Porn. Oh my God, what's happening? Just my luck, I find a fetish and now
someone wants to stamp it out …
+++
According to Reuters, 'China Says It Made World's Biggest Condom': 'A bright yellow condom covered the facade of a 20-story,
phallic-shaped hotel in the southern Chinese city of Guilin to mark U.N. World Population Day in the most populous nation on the
globe ... .'
Apparently, the giant condom is 260 feet tall and nearly 330 feet around …
Well GO CHINA!! But where's the man who can fit into it? I'm more interested in seeing that …