This pathetic old queen was tragic after the Pride March. "Oh Sukie, let's go to a bar" ... "Oh fuck this, I'm going home. I've seen one too many faggots with socks stuffed down their shorts today. I want to go home and watch something heterosexual on TV."
My feet were killing me, and my free-as-a-bird bollocks were sore under that damn kilt. ( The Anglophiles know what I'm talking about ) .
But now I've had a good sleep and I'm over it, I had a lot of fun at this year's Pride parade. My highlight was before the Parade even started. I went to the bathroom in a straight bar and found three Brazilian muscle queens changing into their skimpies. Very friendly boys. I'm pretty sure that's where I lost my underwear. I was wearing a pair of pink Minnie Mouse girls' panties when I left the house, and they were gone when the parade started.
My favorite bitch this year: "I hate all these straight people here. I saw straight couples waving rainbow flags."
Well, sweethearts, I'd rather have straight people waving rainbow flags than up some back alley waving baseball bats.
"The parade is so corporate." I don't think it's corporate enough!! Next year I want to see Bloomingdales throwing free lipstick off a float. I want to see Walgreens giving away free drugs to PWA's, I want free iced coffee from a Starbucks float, and I want that giant Jewel cart filled with donations for Open Hand.
Some of us have spent 30 years trying to get straight people to accept us, and now they do, it's payback time. They want our gay dollars and we have a price, don't we boyz and girlz?
So let's screw as much free shit out of these corporate fuckheads as we can.
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So there I am having a quiet drink with friends on the back patio at Different Strokes, when Frankie comes flying out the bar and starts telling us some story about a turtle.
"I know turtles move," said Frankie, "But I didn't know they moved that fast."
It turned out that Frankie had put a turtle down on his desk in the basement of Different Strokes, turned around for a second, and when he turned back ... the turtle was gone. Since then he's had drag queens and strippers searching the basement looking for the turtle. Last I heard, it was still missing.
Looking back now the funny thing is that no one actually asked Frankie why he put a turtle on his desk in the first place. Everyone accepted it as normal. What does that say about Frankie?
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Talking of patios, Star Gaze's beautiful beergarden is open; it's the Chicago gay community's biggest secret. I'm reluctant to even publicize it, because it's one of my favorite hiding places; I go there often with friends for one of Mamie's excellent vege burgers and peace and quiet.
Hot summer nights in Star Gaze's beergarden with my close gay family and the fireflies; it really doesn't get any better than that.
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Talking of patios—didn't I already use that line? Whatever!! I dropped in for dinner at Buddies' the other day. The new patio is out front, so I got to watch all the boyz go by. Marty was there with his beautiful daughter who was visiting from Florida.
One day I'll pluck up the courage to try one of their famous Long Island iced teas ... I've heard they kick like a mule.
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My mortal enemy Lois Carmen D'Nominator has been unwell recently. Get well soon, sweetheart, we're not ready for you to hang up your tits yet. See honey, you should be exercising your best feature ... YOUR BIG HEART.
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The wacky web of the week was sent to me by Windy City Times/Nightlines columnist Rick Reed. Go visit www.eugenemirman.com/
This latest child singing sensation is too fucking weird for words.
Send your wacky webs to sukiedelacroix@ozhasspoken
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The End of An Era: My Little Fortune Cookie, the Dadaesque erotic cabaret at the Bijou has come to the end of its run and I went to see it one last time; Miss Tiger, Christian, Sammy and Angelo were all on form, but since I last went they've added a song for Angelo; who stole the show from the rest of the cast by the way. And Angelo, if you show me your ass one more time, I'm going to jump on board and ride you all the way to paradise.
I guess now that I've pissed off the Mafia Princess, I'm going to end up in the trunk of a car in Cicero choking to death on my own cock.
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Bisexual Porn of the Week: Stable Entertainment beat all the competition with Goosed Again!, a sequel to Goosed, last year's biggest grossing bisexual movie.
Starring Alex Wilcox as Hansel, T.J. Hart as Gretel, and Logan Reed in his bisexual debut as Humpty Dumpty, Goosed Again! also features muscle-man Steve Shannon, Nikki Darlin, C.J. Bennet, Alexxis Tyler, Regan Starr, Chip Noll, Andre Savage and Michael Brandon, as well as newcomers Jason Nichols and Jesse Martin
Goosed Again! is a comic take on storybook and nursery rhyme characters who turn Toyland into an orgy of couplings and triplings. After Peter Peter is found dead and covered in pumpkin slime, his wife Jane is the prime suspect and she's nowhere to be found. Toyland's detectives Hansel and Gretel set out to find her, interviewing everyone from Little Boy Blue to Mary Had A Little Lamb, and finding some hot three-somes, he-somes, and she-somes along the way.
It worked for me.
For more information about Stable Entertainment videos visit www.StableStud.com
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After the monumental success of Windy City Times' 30 Under 30 Awards, I've come up with a new award: 40 Horny Losers Under 40.
I'd like to nominate Esmerelda Morning-Glory ( AKA Corey Black ) . He's actually 41, but he spent three years in the mid-'80s looking for his car in a Jewel parking lot, so he thinks he's still 38.
