James Watson, co-discoverer of the structure of DNA, recently said on a British TV show that he saw no reason why 'stupidity' could not be corrected by gene therapy. He considers 'stupidity' to be a disease.
If he's right, then that opens up a few interesting doors. Can you cure homophobia with gene therapy? And would the therapy for homophobia be the same as that for stupidity? I actually quite like stupid people. They make me feel superior.
+++
The other day my doorbell rang, and I answered it to find two smiling goons on the doorstep cradling Bibles. I don't know what brand of evangelical Christians they were, or what their clone status was, or if they were sponsored by Domino's Pizza, but Goon No. 1 asked, 'Are you worried about what's happening in the world?'
'Oh boy have you come to the wrong house,' I said, 'Here it's all Jews, atheists and homosexuals. This is a gay house.' They left.
I'm only telling you about this because I'm boasting about how calm and relaxed I am these days; I've mellowed considerably. Two years ago my response to a couple of Mormons was somewhat more aggressive. It was hot, and I was sitting out on the porch having a private moment when I saw the toothsome twosome coming up the street; I can spot Mormons a mile off.
They got to my gate, 'Don't bother coming in!' I screamed out across the yard, 'I'm a practicing homosexual, I worship Satan and I eat Christian babies. Fuck off!!'
I was surprised by their reaction; they both started laughing. 'You boys look hot,' I said, 'Do you want some ice water?' They came and sat on the porch with me. 'Don't try and convert me, you're wasting your time.' I said, 'Just sit there and listen to me talk about what it's like being gay. Let me convert you for a change.'
We actually had quite a civilized conversation. Unlike the Jehovah's Witnesses who came last year. 'What Bible are you using?' I asked. 'James I,' said one Witness.
'Did you know that James I was gay? You're using a Bible named after a homosexual.'
They deny that James I was gay. 'Don't fuck around with me on British history, sweetheart, that's where I come from. I do have a Bible question, though. Is man made in God's image?'
'Yes,' answered the Witness.
'So God must have a penis then. So how does God pee? Is there a heavenly toilet bowl or something … '
They actually ran out of the yard. Must have been something I said …
+++
Rabid homophobe and beer-magnate, Joseph Coors, who donated large sums of money to support President Reagan, has died at the age of 85. Altogether now:
'Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead. Wake up—sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go, below—below—below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out. Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low. Let them know the Wicked Witch is dead!
That was unkind of me. Felt good, though.
