Have you been watching the new Penn & Teller series Bullshit on Showtime? The two magicians set out to debunk theories like alternative medicine and UFO sightings in a ruthless manner; it's creepy, it's almost like they've been reading my columns for the last 20 years e.g. my attacks on aroma-therapists are legendary. But don't get me started on them …
Penn & Teller recently spent time at a UFO convention, and bumped into the usual bunch of crackpots that attend these events.
One topic that came up was alien abductions and the ubiquitous 'anal probe.' Why is it—and you can guess what's coming—that straight men who get abducted always claim to have been anally probed? One would think that anal probing was not in the repertoire or mindset of heterosexual men.
So why is it straight men have to be beamed up to a spaceship to get poked around by bug-eyed ET's, when there's moi … la Croix, Sweetie, la Croix … sitting here bored at my desk wearing nothing but a cock-ring and a Hooters T-shirt … (OK, I didn't say it looked pretty) … just waiting to offer up my services.
Go visit sho.com/ptbs/, the Penn & Teller Web site for details about upcoming shows.
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Oh god! When is it going to end …
We've had gay beers and gay wines, so I guess it's not too surprising that someone has come up with GayCoffees. How about buying a bag of Fetish Beans, complete with the leather flag and the slogan 'Whipping the charity out of you.' No, that wasn't a joke it's true.
It's the brainchild of Catherine Kelly and Kevin Powell as a fundraiser for the lesbian, gay and bisexual community.
The good news is that GayCoffees is doing a blend to benefit the Leather Museum & Archives in Chicago.
I'm surprised that no-one hasn't come up with gay pop tarts, gay spoons, gay teapots, and gay toilet paper …
… or maybe they have and I just haven't heard about it.
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As soon as this awful weather goes away, the first thing I'm going to do is kill my neighbors. They've painted their porch purple … and they're not even a couple of stupid faggots having a moment!! They're straight people and it's hideous!!
We've all got our pet hates. Mine include the Bee Gees (one down, two to go), lesbian folk singers, the wrappers on CD's, aroma-therapists (see above), white people who think they can wear yellow, and the color purple … and I'm not talking about the movie.
Straight people should not be allowed to do anything external to their houses without consulting the local gay men. I now have to wear shades and turn up my collar when I leave the house. I look like Jackie O incognito. (What am I saying, I am Jackie O.) The neighbors have to die!!
Or, I could go next door in the dead of night with a few homo friends and repaint the porch for them. Teal, what's wrong with teal? Gray for Christ's sake!! Anything but purple!!
I'll never understand the laws in this country. Get caught with marijuana and they put you in jail, paint your porch purple and you still get to walk the streets and vote!!
What's wrong with this picture?
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WHAT A DIFFERENCE A GAY MAKES
Feb. 16-22
1998
U.S: A New Jersey court becomes the first in the country to rule against the Boy Scouts' anti-gay policy. The court rules that James Dale, who was dismissed from his assistant scoutmaster position in 1990 for being gay, was the victim of discrimination and eligible for monetary damages and reinstatement. * The nomination of gay San Franciscan James Hormel to be ambassador of Luxembourg continues to face opposition from right-wing lobbyists. * Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund and several other local groups sue the state of Arkansas to overturn the state's anti-sodomy statute. * Houston Mayor Lee Brown issues an executive order banning discrimination against gays in Houston city government. * New Zealand: Prime Minister Jenny Shipley becomes the first head of state to attend the annual gay HERO parade. * Vatican: Pope John Paul II again denounces gay marriages during a visit from Spanish bishops.
1993
U.S.: The editorial in the Bay Area Reporter reads: 'If our big butch Marines are reduced to blubbering children by the notion of having their pee pees looked at in the shower, are they really strong enough to defend the country from a real threat?' * Paul Rudnick's play Jeffrey is a runaway hit off Broadway at the WPA Theater. * More than 700 African-Americans gather in Long Beach, Calif., for the 6th Annual National Black Gay & Lesbian Conference. * Author Randy Shilts 'comes out' to the San Francisco Chronicle as a person with AIDS. * Sweden: Twenty-five lesbians disrupt a live nationally televised debate, to demand an apology from the host, who made statements they considered to be offensive to gays.
1988
U.S.: It's National Condom Week. * The Communards second album Red is available in record stores. * Students at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill vote to stop the funding of the Carolina Gay and Lesbian Association, the gay student group on campus. * Peter Pilaski, a San Francisco real estate magnate, is convicted of sending his ex-wife a bomb disguised as a bouquet of flowers, and is sentenced to 15 years in jail. His lover, Shaun Small, who delivered the bomb, also receives 15 years. * The Wisconsin state assembly vote 97-0 to increase penalties for gay bashing. State Rep. David Clarenbach says the vote 'sends a clear message that we consider hate crimes to be especially offensive. * The Philadelphia Gay News is the first publication to report that the son of right-wing homophobe Phyllis Shlafley is gay. * John Waters says: 'I was taught to be like everybody else, raised to be normal. I'm still nervous around shopping malls. They're filled with people who think they're normal.' * Fundamentalist Christian, televangelist and rabid homophobe, Jimmy Swaggart, steps down from his ministry, after he is caught masturbating, while a Louisiana prostitute adopts lewd poses.
1983
U.S.: John Wayne Gacy, who was found guilty in March 1980 in the slaying of 33 men and boys, is stabbed in the arm by another inmate at the Menard Correctional Center in Chester Ill. * Lesbian playwright Jane Chambers, author of A Late Snow and Last Summer at Bluefish Cove, and playwright-in-residence at the Glines theater in New York, dies of a brain tumor at the age of 45. * Martina Navratilova makes tennis history when she wins Chicago's Virginia Slims Championship women's tournament, her sixth consecutive singles title, becoming the first player to win six times in a major American tournament. * The federal Public Health Service issues a recommendation that gay men refrain from donating blood, until more is learned about the transmission of AIDS through blood transfusions.
