On the subject of hose: I'm not going into the reasons why, but recently I had to buy a pair of dancers' hose. They didn't have male dancer hose, so the assistant in the store suggested I buy the XXXXXXXXXXXLarge women's BLIMP-SIZE hose. 'They might just fit you,' the assistant said. Luckily, for her, she was out of slapping reach.
Believe it or not I've never bought women's hose before. (No really!) Anyway, I get home and try these things on, and …
… there's no delicate way of putting this, so I'll just go for it … what's with the reinforced dribble pad between the legs?
Having tendencies toward being an obsessive/compulsive, I can't look at a woman now without thinking about her dribble pad. I've developed this morbid fear that some woman's dribble pad is going to overflow in front of me and I'll be drowned in whatever-it-is that women dribble. I now stand on CTA platforms looking at the ground between women's legs to see if their dribble pad is working. I look up women's skirts on the train. I'm a nervous wreck about it.
I've even started carrying tissues in case I see a woman on the brink of bursting and I can step in and stem the tide. 'Excuse me,' I'd say in my best English accent, 'I notice your dribble pad is overflowing. Here's a tissue.'
+++
I know that most people consider Fred Phelps to be a disgusting, foul-mouthed homophobe who is filled with hate, but I think the 73-year-old white-haired leader of the Westboro Baptist Church is a hot babe.
He's got the kind of cute face I could sit on for hours, or at least until he passes out from lack of oxygen. What? What did I say?
+++
While we're on the subject of religious lunatics, let's talk about the Countdown on the War With the Vatican.
While Bush and his cronies point their little pee pees at Iraq, the real war is going on at Pedophile Network Central, where priests hide in underground factories manufacturing weapons of Mass prescription i.e. venomous bullshit usually emitted in short volleys by male hypocrites wearing dresses.
The latest outburst comes from Manila Archbishop Jaime Cardinal Sin. (I know, it's hard to take somebody seriously with that name.) Sin was opening the Fourth World Meeting of Families at the Philippine International Convention Center (PICC).
Sin said: 'In our rebellion, God's original plan for the human family has been obscured throughout history by our stubbornness of heart. In our misguided independence, we have lost our very identity. We have lost the Christian character of the human family.'
And sexually abusing children enhances 'the Christian character of the human family,' right?
+++
Party poopers UNESCO, the so-called 'cultural arm' of the United Nations, are trying to stop a Dracula theme park from being built just outside Sighisoara, Vlad the Impaler's home town, in Transylvania. UNESCO claims it would ruin the 13th century town, which is listed as a World Heritage Site. Fuck them!! The whole world is a theme park anyway.
I'd love to work in a Dracula theme park. I'd be on the IT'S A SMALL GRISLY WORLD ride. What a great job, getting paid to scare the shit out of everyone.
Or maybe the TUNNEL OF HOMO HELL ride. Straight people riding through 'The Gay Lifestyle,' a fagarama of debauchery: seedy backrooms, circuit parties, quiche recipe swap nights, with a final plummet into the twilight world of two lesbians trying to match socks in a laundry room. Arrrrggghhhhh!
+++
At last, Bangkok catches up with the U.S.
Thailand's health ministry has announced plans to set up massage services at gas stations to relieve motorists' stress.
OK, so the U.S. doesn't have massage services at gas stations, however, you can get a relaxing BJ at a truck stop … or so I'm told.