There are some weeks that this column just writes itself. I really just have to spend a minute listening, if I can stand it, to the non-elected, uneducated, stand-in for our president, W. During the 'Blackout of 2003', he obviously didn't have his earpiece in to tell him what to say. First he said that he was going to help the fifty million people without power. Then he said something to the effect that we need to take a look at the problem, analyze it and find a solution. Now I could think of just about anything that could apply to. With him comforting us, what more do we need? We're in good hands. Here are the solutions I think he's capable of coming up with:
The Top Ten Solutions
from the Mind of W
10) Walk around with a flashlight. With all of the extra money we're making during his administration, we could buy batteries for a week. I'd use them for something else.
9) Show his white teeth to light the way. It's a genuine smile from a genuinely unconcerned man unless you're white, straight, recently saved, easily manipulated by money, and contributing to his campaign.
8) Use the whites of his eyes. Although just a few years ago, the white powder on his nose could have lit all of Manhattan for the day.
7) Light a candle and hope all of his hot air doesn't blow it out. Like he said, marriage should be between a man and a woman, and he's got lawyers looking into it.
6) Moon everyone with his lily-white ass. Did I mention he was raised by a father that while running for the Senate in Texas at the time, opposed the Civil Rights Act? Amazing how 25 years later as president, he actually celebrated the anniversary of the passage of the Civil Rights Act.
5) Reflect the light of the moon off of his good ole' boy Texas belt buckle. Did you know that if they had raised the terror level while he was on vacation, he would have had to come back to the White House?
4) Use all of those shiny new coins he claims to be saving us during our trip to the gas station (while he lines the pockets of his friends) to reflect some light.
3) Use the never ending abundance of oil to light some lamps. Raise the price soon so he can line the pockets of his buddies and, in turn, raise more money for his re-election campaign.
2) Get that special glow that would emit enough light to light our entire nation when he talks about how the economy is really turning around. All the while, his bank account and those of his supporters continue to grow .
1) Use the reflection of the blaringly blank white pages of the reports documenting the location of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and the validity of invading the country and calculatingly hunting down someone who bitch slapped daddy back in 1991 at whatever cost necessary.
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com .