Every time one of those drug commercials comes on, I swear that I am watching a Saturday Night Live skit. The side effects always seem to outweigh the benefits. Yes, this will stop hair loss but you will be unable to perform in bed sexually. Or, your eczema will not itch anymore but you will gain twenty pounds. You see my point. It seems they have a pill for everything. Let's get these people to work on finding some side effects that actually make sense. So here's my positive take on drug side effects. So to the pharmaceutical industry, Strap This On:
The Top Ten Drugs and Side Effects I'd Like to See in Them
10 ) Allergies. You can be around whatever you were allergic to while your libido is increased tenfold. Kind of like how you feel while watching the L Word.
9 ) Arthritis. Aches and pains decrease while causing gray hair to fall out. It leaves your remaining hair shiny and manageable. Picture a Breck girl advertising this one.
8 ) Blood Pressure. This decreases blood pressure while emitting a hormone that makes you irresistible to the same sex or opposite sex or both. Whatever works for you. Angelina Jolie could be the spokesperson.
7 ) Acid Reflux. While it decreases acid reflux, it also decreases wrinkles. Anyone have Julianne Moore's number?
6 ) Sexual Aids. It not only increases your sex drive but helps boost your metabolic rate and aids in weight loss. Similar to the effect the Tomb Raider poster has on me.
5 ) Acne. It also whitens your teeth, reduces plaque and eliminates bad breath. I envision two lesbians coming out of Early 2 Bed smiling.
4 ) Weight Loss. You're not just curbing your appetite but it makes you a wildcat in bed. They can splice the writhing Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge scene for this promo.
3 ) Sleeplessness. It not only lets you get a good night's sleep but sharpens your intellect and increases memory. I see Susan Sarandon.
2 ) Social Anxiety. This one decreases the anxiety but also makes you multi-orgasmic. People will stand in line to do the promo so they can get the free drugs.
1 ) Depression. It's not just a mood enhancer but increases or decreases your breast size depending on which you'd like. Any current female teen idol could be the poster child for this one.
Lisa Rock can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com . My personal goddess, Robin, is at Metropolis Performing Arts in ( appropriately ) The Vagina Monologues Wednesdays. Go to www.metropolisarts.com for more information.