I love Ellen. She's our reluctant lesbian heroine. She's slowly coming out of the closet yet again. We tape her show to enjoy it together whenever we have time to watch it. Since she seems to insist on staying pretty closeted, I thought I could offer some more subtle ways to throw her lesbian audience some love and let them know she does credit us for standing by her. I'm not asking her to start showing pictures of the new girlfriend and mention her every day. I can always watch If These Walls Could Talk 2 if I need any truly intimate details about her. This is how I think she could make the show a little bit more lesbian friendly:
The Top Ten Ways Ellen Can Be More Dyke Friendly on Her Talk Show
10. During the opening where she is always doing something that she's being caught at, have her dancing in a bar with a group of lesbians. This should be easy to do since the audience seems to be full of them.
9. On the "Have Houston Do It" segment, send Houston to a lesbian couple's house to help them install their first hot tub.
8. On the "Get the puppy handler/production assistant a date" segment, just place an ad on her Web site for a guy. Take the clue, he's gay. She's getting the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because she's trying to give him the hint.
7. Give us the backstage tour of her crew and show us the true lesbian staff/techies that work on there. I've been in theatre long enough to know that the majority of us are not on the stage, but running it from behind the scenes.
6. Instead of the "Trucker of the Year," find a lesbian who's done something for our community like keeping LCCP alive, been a successful lesbian porn actress, or run a GLBT newspaper for 10 years.
5. Have Cardboard Ellen go to a lesbian bar and judge a dance contest. I'd prefer a wet T-shirt contest, but it is daytime television. It's not Jerry Springer.
4. Oprah has her book club. Ellen should have her lesbian pick of the week for books and music using a rating system based on orgasm levels i.e. one orgasm for good and multiple orgasms for the best.
3. Have a special section in the audience set aside for the lesbians that come see the show. She could give away free vibrators, flavored body oils, and spa treatments. We all love a good whirlpool experience with a group of naked women.
2. Sponsor a women's football or softball team. Choose a WNBA team to back and check in on a weekly basis with the players.
1. On the "What are you doing while watching Ellen?" segment, show the pictures that the lesbians are really sending in. I'm sure someone has sent in a picture of themselves in bed with their girlfriend while watching the show or having a naked hot tub party with a group of lesbians while watching the show.
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com .