The State of the Union. I generally could care less what W has to say. I just happened to turn on the
television at the wrong time when this right wing, red-necked,
uneducated sounding, non-elected fool came on. I should have turned it off. I now understand why Elvis shot the television: first, he could afford it; second, Nixon was in office. So while I'd rather write some sexed-up review of The L Word or the top ten hot and heavy ways to turn on your valentine, I can't pass the chance to shred W. Now, there comes a time in our lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered lives to stand up. No more quietly integrating and assimilating. No more sitting idly by. Now is that time. This calls for a masquerade ball right in the middle of winter. If you wear the costumes or the signs listed below, people will be forced to listen to your bleeding heart
liberal rantings. It's a great way to blow off some pent up political steam.
The Top Ten Favorite Politically Incorrect Costumes for the Bleeding Heart Liberal Lesbian or the Best Costume to Wear to Get into a Fight with a Conservative
10. Tax cut costume: Go naked. You're representing all of the tax cuts that have actually helped the economy.
9. Haliburton: Stand around and do nothing. You weren't ever up for a bid with anyone else. You can just go in and rebuild Iraq for a
whopping 1.7 billion. You won the job hands down and still give
millions to your former CEO, Cheney. But hey, Clinton got a blow job. Keep raking him across the coals. Cheney and Bush are making money at the cost of our men and women dying as soldiers and many other innocent Iraqis.
8. Pole dancer: Keep a tiny tape recorder in the G-string so you can record all of the slimy politicians trying to pick you up.
7. Rush Limbaugh: Walk around in a drug or drink induced stupor all night spouting off about the liberal media.
6. Gas pump: Your prices go up every time your friends need some money.
5. Osama bin Laden: Walk around as openly as you want and no one will find you.
4. Job: Just look lost. Bring a
compass, a map, and a pair of binoculars.
3. Security guard: Stop only nonwhite people to frisk them.
2. Lesbian: Go as yourself, but remember, you're only loved if you're in porn movies or a talk show host who rarely refers to her sexuality. Hey, I love Ellen, but come on, mention the girlfriend, bring another out lesbian on the show, or at least do the Hollywood thing and kiss the female guests as frequently as the men.
1. George W: This should be an easy one. Wear a big belt buckle, a lasso, speak in broken,
grammatically incorrect sentences, have a blank look on your face, and keep saying, "Make no mistake, we will find those weapons of mass destruction."
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com .