Happy New Year! Even if the celebrations weren't all you wished for, I hope that the sleeping in (and with) went well and scattered days of vacation were enjoyable.
I received this e-mail last week and wanted to address it.
'As I was leaving my apartment last Monday with my girlfriend, I find an envelope outside my door. I open it to find this note, written in red ink: 'These walls are paper thin. Your passionate cries and conversation at 1 and 2 in the morning are too loud. Please be considerate of those trying to sleep. Thanks, M.'
'This is from my neighbor; one large-framed lesbian who lives with her equally as large girlfriend; who's also a librarian. How does one tactfully or not so tactfully respond to this? Signed, M.'
Now if it had simply read, 'this is from my neighbor,' this would not have warranted an entire column for me to reply. But the addition of 'one large-framed lesbian ... equally as large girlfriend' really got me interested in responding. Before that comment, I would have said to the neighbors to just simply shut up and enjoy it. But now I feel for these 'large-framed lesbians' having to live next door to insensitive, most likely not so large, baby dykes. Only someone who's not large-framed would describe someone else as such. If I'm wrong, too bad. So this goes out to the librarian and her partner.
The Top Ten Ways to Annoy Your Neighbors Who Have Sex at All Hours
10) Play loud porn music.
9) Buy them muzzles and leave them outside their door.
8) Change your sleeping hours and have sex when they're sleeping.
7) Cheer them on. Clap and whistle, stomp your feet. Anything to let them know you're right there with them.
6) Every time you see them, hum bad porn music (like there's good porn music, I know) as they pass.
5) Join them and be much louder.
4) Rate them. Create sheets of paper with different things you're rating them on (duration, volume, etc.) and leave them outside their door.
3) As they finish, play the end of some grand opera or musical very loudly.
2) Since you're a librarian, leave them a lesbian sex book with a note that says it sounds like they're doing it wrong.
1) Invite them over for drinks one night and play their lovemaking noises you recorded from the night before as your music.
Disclaimer: Nightspots and Windy City Media Group are not responsible for any fights and/or orgies that break out from following the advice of their columnists.
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