Happy New Year! I hope everyone has plans to spend some time with that special someone and dance the night away. If you're going to drink, and I know you are, take a cab home. If you're going to a party, hit on someone that isn't drinking to take you home or call a cab. The point is to drink, but not drive. That way I don't get hit by a car driving up onto the sidewalk as I stumble out of one of the many bars I'll be hopping to and from. You could kill my buzz. Anyhow, every year I hear about people trying to make New Year's resolutions and how they constantly break them before the first month is even done. So I came up with some resolutions and suggestions for how to keep them. Happy New Year!
The Top Ten New Year's Resolutions and
How to Keep Them
10) Spend more time with the people you love: drink before you go see them. It'll make it all look better.
9) Watch less television: or if you do watch it, make it more interesting by having to drink every time Ellen says, 'anyway' on her show.
8) Give away things I don't need or use: throw away those broken vibrators. It's time to get some new ones. Just do it. Go to Early 2 Bed for some updated and lively vibrators. She'll be happy you did.
7) Decrease stress: every time you feel it coming on, have a drink. Carry a flask, work at a bar, anything that keeps you closer to the alcohol and further away from the things that stress you.
6) Tell people what I really think of them: not in a vicious way, but in that subtle, gentle way only a few drinks can evoke. While someone is in the middle of going on about how much money they're making or how they got that new promotion, etc. just smile, pull out the flask, take a drink and offer it to them. Then let the games begin.
5) Travel more: go to Women and Children First, buy a Women's Traveler, and start at the top. Visit every lesbian site to see. If your funds are limited, use the internet and have a few drinks. Then you can imagine you're in those places. Be creative: if you have to visit Hawaii online, have a Mai Tai while doing it or for Germany, go to the liquor store and buy all of the German beers and create your own private beer garden in your apartment.
4) Make more money: sell those videos of you and all of your ex-girlfriends (or one-night stands) to some internet porn site. You can blur your face out with the right editor.
healthier: add more celery to my Bloody Mary.
2) Lose weight: don't do the Atkins or the South Beach diets; shrink your stomach with a full liquid diet.
1) Have sex more often: I could write another column on this alone. Spend less time trying to woo her with liquor and candy and clean the bathroom or do the laundry. This works every time.
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com .