Yeah, it's already well into June and it's still not hot. I need the sun, the warmth, the beach, half-naked female bodies glistening with sweat and suntan lotions and oils, outdoor music. Anything that remotely reminds me that Robin and I are still on vacation. We tried to plan it out so that when we returned from Florida, the warm weather would be here. Oh, well. We tried to bring it with us. We also tried to bring a few half-naked sweaty girls too but they wouldn't fit in the suitcases. So, I came up with some ways to get the heat going in your life even though the weather just sucks right now. So strap this on:
The Top Ten Ways to
Get Heated Up this Summer
10) Curl up with a good book. I suggest Bushfire, Stories of Lesbian Desire, edited by Karen Barber.
9) Buy some new toys. Early 2 Bed (5232 N. Sheridan Road) always has the latest and greatest. My personal favorite vibrator, the Chili Pepper, can get things heated up with a turn of a knob.
8) Try some tequila shots. Put the salt and the lime in some creative places you'd like to lick on her.
7) Naked hot tubbing. This could be a great way to warm up on those cool nights. Check in to the local Holiday Inn or splurge for a midweek stay at a Marriott and give the people in the surveillance cameras a reason to kick you out.
6) Try a new group activity like hosting your own movie night and tell everyone to bring their favorite lesbian porn movie. This is sure to get some sparks flying.
5) Victoria's Secret Vanilla Kisses massage oil. Use alone or with someone. Be kind and warm it up in your hands either way.
4) Go to a lesbian film. Well, there aren't really any out right now without The Hours. How about a film with a lesbian, like, say, Finding Nemo. Maybe this isn't one that'll get you hot. But the popcorn's hot. That would work. Or just make out every time Ellen comes out or drink (whatever you can sneak into the theatre) every time she says, 'Nemo.' Disclaimer: Windy City Media Group is not responsible for bailing you out of jail and is not encouraging you to drink irresponsibly.
3) See how many lesbians can fit in one bed.
2) For those fellow athletes, go down to the lake running/biking trail and play find the most scantily and attractive female and try to keep up with her. If it's too cold, go to a health club and run behind her on the track or near her on the treadmill.
1) Make your own version of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps and drink it off her. Here's my recipe: slightly warm hot fudge mixed with peppermint schnapps and a can of whipped cream. Delicious!
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago and can be reached at StrapThisOn@aol.com .