This is a truly historic time: the Supreme Court has struck down the sodomy laws and Ontario has made it legal for same-sex couples to get married. What's next, a dyke for President? I can see it now, Ms. President and the First Lady. A vibrator in every woman's home! Equal pay for equal work! More time with our partners! No more war! Towanda! OK, I'm a little ahead of myself, but it really is a great time. Now that the sodomy laws have been revoked, let's hear it for all of the fun things we can now 'legally' do here in the states.
The Top 10 Things to Do to Celebrate
Your Newly Won Right to Privacy
10) Actually and truly strap one on. You can buy the biggest strap on and harness openly now.
9) Buy and use any sex toys any way you want. Besides strap ons, I''m talking about dildos, vibrators, whips, harnesses, etc. These are now OK for you to use.
8) Whipped cream and chocolate sauce naked parties. If you provide it, they will come.
7) Wet T-shirt contests. I'm not talking about those lame bar ones. I'm talking about having a beautiful group of lesbians over to the house and using the garden hose to wet them down. White T-shirts only and no bra.
6) You can now legally have three hours of oral sex with that special woman in your life. Dive in, the water's warm!
5) Go to a hotel and request one bed and scream your heads off without fear of being kicked out. Make sure that when you register, you request one big bed. Make sure you scream each other's names out loud and clear.
4) You can now go to Georgia and rent Lusty Lesbians in Prison.
3) Now this is just for the mere shock value, but you can go to some small town in Oklahoma with a roll of dollar bills, go to the local stripper bar and sit right in the front. Scream and holler and stuff those dollar bills wherever she'll let you. Make sure to get a lap dance too. For those of you a little afraid of the locals, make sure to bring along your friend that works as a security guard during the day and a bouncer at night.
2) You can now buy and legally use that anal probe in all 50 states. Since you're not used to this, make sure to pick up some lube.
1) You are now free to show that you not only do it privately but make a disgusting public nuisance of yourself just like every other straight couple that can't seem to wait to get home. Make out at the movies and visibly feel her up, or stop right in the middle of the sidewalk and lay a big juicy wet one on her, or just push her against the side of some wall and start going at it. You'll only get arrested for public indecency now.
Lisa Rock is a syndicated columnist based in Chicago. She will be performing in a new musical farce, Illuzzio at the Chopin Theatre from July 11-Sept. 14; (773) 913-5737 for tix.
