... That recent 'war' for the oil rights to Iraq got me thinking about my next move, politically speaking. I'm afraid that the time to seek the presidency again has passed. I mean, after the way the media fucked with poor Ralph Nader about being a third-party candidate and all, I have absolutely no intention of putting myself at the mercy of the right-wing press.
Not for something as minor being president, anyway. Oh, no. I've got much bigger plans than that, Miss Thing! What, you ask? I have decided to declare myself Pope. Yep, Pope. When I do this blessed thing, I shall take the name of Pope Joan the Pious.
Remember the name, Pope Joan the Pious. They will be unwell at the Vatican when the news reaches them, for immediately after getting said news, they will be crucified. One of the first things I'll do as Pope is bring back crucifixion as a means of punishment, you know, for hillbilly oil barons, hetero boys who do gay porn, Christians who think it's OK to try to convert everyone, stupid shit like that.
Now, I don't know if you're aware of this, but there already was a Pope Joan. Get this; Pope Joan was a drag-king! No lie! The first Pope Joan was actually a woman who dragged up as a 9th century dude so that she could get her education. You see, back then, in the 9th century, knowledge only belonged to those born with penis, and that includes those born with penis in the mouth. Joan did fine as Pope until two years into her papacy she became pregnant. A pregnant pope was not something one ran across back then, so she had some problems. She had more when she apparently gave birth in the street. Those believers in cheek turning did no such thing for the postpartum Pope, and tied Her Excellency to a horse and dragged the bitch to her death.
Not a pretty picture.
Furthermore, every papal throne since that time has had a hole in the center so that the incoming Pope-to-Be can be checked to make sure she is indeed a man. I'll be looking forward to that.
All I have to do now is start to pull together my papal decrees and I've got to find some haute couture ecclesiastical fashion to wear, don't you think?
Hey, if you have any ideas on what you'd like to see a fresh Pope do, let me know.
More on my impending Pope-hood later. And, I've got a hilarious story about some queen breaking a vase in my building. Ciaofornow ...