Pictured Eric Myers, who committed suicide.
The number of people who commit suicide includes an unknown but high percentage of gays and lesbians, according to numerous studies. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death among all U.S. men. And each suicide or attempt has a ripple effect in communities and families. There were 30,622 suicides in the U.S. in 2001, with perhaps four times as many attempts. The numbers are from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention—the survivor's stories come from people we know.
According to a suicide Web site, every suicide leaves approximately 6-8 'survivors.' Suicides in our nation cause up to 250,000 men, women, and children to become suicide grievers every year. In addition, there may be up to 4 million suicide grievers in the country. Mike McRaith knows firsthand about suicide and its effects on others. In late 1996, his partner, Eric Myers, killed himself after an argument he had with McRaith.
[ Gov. Rod Blagojevich just named McRaith as the new director of the Illinois Division of Insurance, within the Department of Financial and Professional Regulation. ]
McRaith spoke with Windy City Times about finding his way out of the dark, working with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and being involved with Out Of The Darkness Overnight, a 20-mile dusk-to-dawn walk for suicide prevention that will take place in Chicago July 16-17.
Windy City Times: What were the circumstances that led up to Eric's suicide?
Mike McRaith: We were in a two-year relationship. We had been scheduled to travel to Colorado together and spend a week in the mountains. However, a few weeks before we were supposed to leave, I told him that I needed some space because I felt like he was asking too much of me—so I went to Colorado by myself. The last time I saw him alive was the night of July 24, 1996, when I took off.
I got back home on the 29th and checked my messages. It turned out that I got a message from him every night while I was gone. While I had been away, I had begun resenting the fact that he had been asking me to give him a reason to live—and I told him that on that night. I told him that there was so much to him that was worth celebrating. Shortly afterward, he hanged himself in his apartment.
Eric kept a journal. In it, he wrote about our relationship and stated things like he wasn't sure that he had a reason to live if he thought he wouldn't be with me.
WCT: What emotions did you go through after the suicide?
MM: [ Pauses. ] I went through the full gamut of emotions. When I got the phone call about the suicide, it was as if the world were spinning and I was standing still. I couldn't understand the world at that moment. I went through devastation and agony. However, there is also a part of me that celebrates the fact that I knew him and that I had that time with him.
WCT: Where you angry at all?
MM: No. However, there had been a number of incidents that I probably would've handled differently had I been better educated and less ashamed. Just one example that showed the power of my ignorance involved a flight to Denver that I took just after saying goodbye to Eric. There was a college roommate of my mother there—and she turned out to be a social worker who specialized in working with suicide survivors. I talked with her about her job but I never asked her about my own experiences with Eric.
I'm not afraid to say that the pain [ over the loss of Eric ] has not gone away. I think I'm typical of many survivors of suicide in that the pain is still there but I've learned how to compartmentalize it.
WCT: How did you work your way through the trauma?
MM: I saw a therapist for a while. I worked very hard to confront questions that came up.
Different people handle things in different ways. Some people go to work and others' lives are ruined, especially when they're consumed by grief. I had to find a way to integrate this into who I am so it wouldn't destroy me but make me a stronger, more responsible, and more compassionate person.
WCT: What was Eric like? What do you miss about him?
MM: What I miss the most is that he's not in the world somewhere because he would've made someone's life better. Whether he and I would've been together is another question. When he died, though, I felt like we could've spent our lives together.
I fell in love with Eric at a party. A friend and I were leaving the party by car while Eric was walking from the party with someone else. He was walking north on Damen through Wicker Park and I saw him lean over a fence to pick up these common flowers that most of us see thousands of times a day. He was pointing to the petals and talking to his friend. That's when I fell in love with him; he appreciated all these simple pleasures. He was also very bright and curious.
WCT: You're involved with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Tell me about that association and about Out of the Darkness Overnight, which the foundation is sponsoring.
MM: I joined the local board in 1997. The foundation is, I believe, the largest and the only not-for-profit suicide prevention and education organization in the country. ( Others are either for-profit or have a different focus. ) The AFSP was started by healthcare professionals but is most passionately perpetuated by people like myself, who are survivors.
The first Out of the Darkness walk was held in 2002 in Washington, D.C. and was the largest fundraising event for AFSP. Of course, we hope to surpass that walk this year in Chicago. People can either walk in teams or individually. When I walked in 2002, I was by myself. It was important to do that journey and to experience that alone.
WCT: I assume that you'll be participating?
MM: Oh, definitely. I'm hoping to get a few of my friends and a few of Eric's friends to join in.
WCT: Where can people go for help if they're contemplating suicide or know of someone who's thinking about it?
MM: If there's someone who is talking about killing himself imminently, someone should call the police immediately and you get officers to put that person in protective custody. ( Taking someone to a hospital is another option. ) If it's not extremely urgent, people can go to the foundation's Web site ( www.afsp.org ) , which can direct people to other resources. Also, a lot of suicides can be prevented through medication; most suicides are attempted by people who are either manic or bipolar, which Eric was. It's important to get people in contact with the right professional. Also, communication is very important; we need to constantly talk with those who are talking about suicide. We have to let our friends know that we care.
WCT: You coordinated a suicide awareness program with Howard Brown Health Center last year. What was that like and will there be another this year?
MM: The Center on Halsted, Howard Brown, the AIDS Foundation of Chicago, GLSEN, and AFSP promoted a town hall forum to identify interests within the GLBT community regarding suicide. The event was a success to the extent that we had a great turnout; a lot of healthcare professionals and students turned out.
I am hoping that we can use the walk to create a real focus for discussion on the issue. I want to have a GLBT event on that weekend before the walk begins; it would bring GLBT survivors from around the country to an event on the North Side. From there, we could launch a platform to initiate something more formal within the community.
It is an issue that affects many people. Most gay and lesbian people know someone who has killed himself or herself—or who has at least tried. At a recent talk I gave, 80 percent of the people in the room raised their hands when asked if they knew someone who committed or attempted suicide. We need to talk more about this issue. There seems to be this stigma or curtain of shame when it comes to mental health issues, and suicide is [ literally ] a life-or-death problem.
To register for Out of the Darkness Overnight, call ( 888 ) 644-4805 or visit www.TheOvernight.org . The Web site for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is www.afsp.org .
All donations are tax-deductible.
