THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

I work with a very dynamic group of individuals on my day job. We encourage each other in all areas, to include those areas that we call 'opportunities' which is really another name for 'areas that could stand improvement.' One of the 'opportunities' that I was presented with was working on how NOT to be so literal. This doesn't come as a surprise to me as I am use to giving orders from 14 years in the military. The challenge for me is recognizing the difference between someone who can handle the 'naked truth' as opposed to someone who needs to have things delivered in a more subtle way.

I've never been good at sugarcoating anything. I try to be as clear as possible so that there are no misunderstandings. I find that this can be taken in two ways. It can either be taken as too direct or not seriously at all since the majority of people tend to give you what you want to hear initially then come clean about their real thoughts later. This I understand to be easier for some as it allows them the opportunity to 'safely' place themselves in positions they would otherwise be afraid/skeptical of entering into. I also find that when you are as clear as I am, people really don't know how to approach you or how to deal with you. They tend to take your directness as a personal attack. So they take what appears to be the easiest approach and hope for the best.

What have you noticed as an issue that keeps popping up, begging for your attention? Could it be the same as mine? Would it be financial obligations? Issues surrounding your education, work, parenting? Could it be that you are now beginning to see a glimpse of how you REALLY relate to people instead of how you envisioned you did? What would it take for you to sit down with these discoveries and iron them out?

The first thing we all tend to do when facing an old habit or character trait that we are not proud of is to procrastinate. We talk about making a change. We acknowledge the behavior as something that we intend to work on, but it is so much easier to never get around to it. We become comfortable in who we have been and sometimes fight tooth and nail to remain in our comfort zone, despite the fact that freedom from our old way of being would bring us much more peace. We have noticed a pattern in our behavior and we vow to work on it and to change it, not for the sake of everyone else, but because we realize that it is not conducive to whom we want to be.

Where do you begin? Think about those comments that others always seem to make. Is there any validity to their claims about you and your personality? What about recurring patterns in the mates that you have chosen in the past? Have they all been emotionally unavailable; unable/unwilling to commit; financially dependent; too short; too tall; too silly; too serious? Or is it you who has been these things? Have you been told that you are too emotionally draining? Could there be some truth to that? Do you put the weight of your happiness onto the other person? Does your satisfaction with yourself depend on whether or not someone in particular treats you the way you want them to? I know I ask a lot of questions … it's too bad you guys don't respond with your thoughts and/or answers to my e-mail address. I would be truly interested in knowing what you think.

Anyway, during this month, try to honestly assess what is going right and what isn't in your life at this moment. If you are one of those people who like to make New Year's resolutions, get started early identifying what you want to work on next year. Just remember that you don't have to wait until then and even when you do get started, it took you this long to recognize the issue, it will take you some time to change it for the better.

I would love to hear from you. E-mail me at acharlot69@hotmail.com