I'm sharing with you again and I hope that it will give someone else a spark of courage. You know how I am always speaking about knowing what makes you happy, what makes your spirit sing and then following that? Well, for the past three months I have been wrestling with standing up to the person that HAD the power to bring me to my knees. I ran from her as long as I could, but my spirit would not rest until I finally stood my ground and faced my biggest opponent ... MY MOTHER! (dun dun dunnnnnnn!)
I could stand up to the president, hell, even Moses himself if I needed to, but Ethel was a whole different story. We had developed the relationship I've always wanted from childhood. How could I possibly disappoint her? How could I run the risk of losing the relationship that I have wanted all of my life? Even though it was based in a false sense of my IDENTITY as far as she was concerned, I willingly played along to keep her happy.
I'm sure some of you know from experience what I've been going through. The pretending not to be at your lover's house when your Mom calls; making up stories as to where you are, where you are going and who you are going with in order to spare their feelings; dropping little hints, hoping she would figure it out and thus you are finally found out so there will be no more hiding. Well, I grew tired of the lies, the deceit, the migraines, the trying to keep up with which story I told last week, etc. It was entirely too much.
I questioned what was keeping me hostage to this lie. Why was I so fearful of being honest with my own mother? I had come clean to her before, why was this time any different? I thought about what the worst-case scenario could be if I were true to myself and whether or not it would be worth it. Trust me, being the Libra that I am, I weighed all options and then made my decision. I decided that NOTHING was worth me going against my spirit for another person.
We had our conversation, she tried the guilt trips and I stood my ground. I explained why I was fearful and how I didn't want to lose our new relationship. I also told her that I would respect her wishes if she had to disconnect from me because of her religion. It felt good to be honest with her, to be open, to go out the exit door of the HELL that I allowed myself to live in for her sake. She gave me the 'oooooh, I have to take my medicine, my pressure has shot up,' my response ... I'm sure it has. Remain true to yourself; you are the only one that can control the hell that you put yourself through by living for others. Say no, and please use your 'Get out of HELL FREE' card. I did ... and I feel sooooo much better.