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  NIGHTSPOTS

Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2005-10-26

This article shared 2100 times since Wed Oct 26, 2005
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It is late October, so get out your scariest Karl Rove mask and enjoy this Pretzel Logic look at Halloween.

It's The Gay Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

According to a news story that was in the Sun-Times last year at Halloween time, 'Seed developers and growers have opened up their minds to other colors of the rainbow [ besides the traditional orange ] when it comes to pumpkins.'

They Need To Work On Yellow And Purple

According to the same story, while white pumpkins are becoming more popular, pumpkins are already available in red, green, and even grayish blue.

If This Idea Takes Off I Want My Millions

I am surprised no enterprising queen has figured out a way to put a laser-engraved image of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis on a pumpkin and call it a 'Jackie-O-Lantern.'

Jack-And/Or-Jill-O'-Lanterns

Last year there were a large number of pumpkins sold without their stems because rainy weather in some areas of the east coast last summer promoted the growth of a fungus that caused the stems to drop off when the pumpkins were picked.

Size Matters

Mike Orzolek, a professor at Penn State's College of Agricultural Sciences, and a 'pumpkin expert,' was quoted as saying 'What good is a pumpkin without its stem?'

Who Knew Halloween's History Had A Little Jim's Connection In It?

According to the news story about the stemless pumpkins, the tradition of carving Jack-O'-lanterns arose out of an Irish tradition of carving hollowed-out turnips or gourds 'to commemorate Stingy Jack, a miserable old drunk... .'

Jack-Off-O'-Lantern

It is considered improper to first cut a round nose hole in the center of your pumpkin and then have carnal knowledge of it before cleaning the guts out of it and carving the rest of the face. But I am guessing at least some of you have probably done this, haven't you?

This Pumpkin Pie Has Its Whipped Cream Built In

And some of you who never thought of doing that before will probably try it now that you've read it here.

He said His New Boyfriend's Name is Gordy

And remember to use gourds solely for decorative purposes, no matter how much like a phallus it might look.

Save A Horse, Ride A Pumpkin

If you go to www.homemade-sex-toys.com/halloween/ you can learn how to turn a pumpkin into a dildo holder, and 'ride the orange pony.'

Those Small Details Really Count

The same web site has a couple of methods of using a plastic grocery bag or a rubber glove filled with pumpkin goo as an aide in jerking off. They suggest warming the pumpkin goo for 10 seconds in the microwave oven.

Sort Of Like What It Must Be Like Cruising For Guys At Little Jim's

According to a news story that appeared in the Sun-Times the day before Halloween last year, researchers at Purdue University said that the reason people like horror films is because of the adrenaline rush 'and the wave of relief once the fright is over.'

Pretty Cute

There is a new children's picture book called 'The Ugly Pumpkin,' a retelling of the tale 'The Ugly Duckling,' in which the ugly pumpkin discovers at the end that he is really a squash.

Not Quite The Look I Was Going For

Last year at Halloween I got in touch with my inner Village Person went to Charlie's dressed up as a construction worker. One person there greeted me as 'Bob the Builder.'

The Drag Queen Made Him Do It

There is a gay-themed slasher film from 2004 entitled 'HellBent' which is about a creepy serial killer who murders a series of hunky gay guys on Halloween night.

If you have committed the abomination of lying with a pumpkin as with a woman, feel free to e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com, but please, no photos.


This article shared 2100 times since Wed Oct 26, 2005
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