What do Luther Vandross, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? Well, roses are red, Luther turned blue, read this week's Pretzel Logic, and I'll explain it to you.
Stroke Of Luck
Luther Vandross' new CD debuted at the top of the charts for the first time in his career. This happened as he released a new CD while in intensive care after suffering a stroke.
Stroke Of Genius
Luther's CD is so absolutely awful ('Buy Me A Rose' was hideous when Kenny Rogers did it a few years back, and it's not any better here) that I would not be shocked to find out he faked the stroke to get sympathy sales.
Weapons Of Mass Delusion?
unning out of places to look, fewer and fewer U.S. troops are being deployed to look for Saddam Hussein's ever-elusive weapons of mass destruction. If Bush can't find any, will he have to give Iraq back?
The Weekly World News tabloid ran a recent cover story with the headline 'Saddam & Osama In Love!' The story included a photo of a reclining Saddam resting his head on a smiling Osama bin Laden's chest. Saddam's left hand reaches back to caress Osama's neck, while Osama is holding a rose in his right hand.
The story doesn't say whether Luther Vandross's version of 'Buy Me A Rose' was 'their song.'
The story alleges that in 1968 Saddam starred in a gay porn film called 'La'iba al-Waladaani' ('The Two Boys Played'), as well as up to 85 other such films, mostly under stage names such as 'Omar Studdif.'
Pass The Lube And The 'Kleenex'
The story said that 'President Bush is carefully watching the perverted madman's antics.' Hmmm, do you suppose he's giving those gay porn films of Saddam a real long, hard look?
Size Queen Saddam
Supposedly, Saddam complained to Osama that: 'You are like the beak of a hummingbird or the straw from the bale . . . too paltry to bring me pleasure.' So we know who was the top and who was the bottom.
The same damn story says Osama likes the company of goats and camels because they do not laugh at his 'teeny weeny.' The story also says an unnamed government source called the photo of Osama and Saddam 'the first hard evidence to prove' the Osama/Saddam love affair. Given Osama's supposedly miniature minaret, the evidence might be hard, but there's still not much there.
A Job For The Vice Squad
Since the military is having no luck finding Saddam or Osama, maybe Bush should call in the cops who busted John Lawrence and Tyron Garner to arrest Saddam and Osama while they are having sex in their tent.
Freedom Of The Press
The same issue of the Weekly World News also contains cover stories about a duck hunter being arrested for shooting an angel, and a church group that wants the Vatican to declare the Three Stooges to be saints.
If you have photos of President Bush wearing nothing but his cowboy boots (hat optional) as he watches Saddam's gay porn videos, e-mail them to me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .
If you have gay porn photos of Luther Vandross with Saddam Hussein (or anybody else), sorry, I don't have e-mail.