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  NIGHTSPOTS

Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2005-07-13

This article shared 1710 times since Wed Jul 13, 2005
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I hate flying. I was once in a plane that lost cabin pressure, had the oxygen masks drop down and then did a really rapid emergency descent. And I was not a good flyer before then. That's why I've written about my various Amtrak trips in prior columns. But prior to becoming boyfriends, Steve booked a flight to Las Vegas for a family event, and after we began dating he asked if I wanted to go along. So here's a Pretzel Logic look at air travel.

The Pretzel Logic Theory Of Airport Design - Part One

As a non-flyer who just had to fly, it took me about 0.005 seconds to realize that AIRPORTS ARE INHERENTLY HOSTILE, USER-UNFRIENDLY PLACES THAT ARE WAY TOO BIG, WAY, WAY TOO ANNOYING, AND DESIGNED TO BE AGGRAVATING AND INCONVENIENT IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY, AND THEY ARE A TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS ( AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY, EITHER ) .

The Pretzel Logic Theory Of Airport Design - Part Two

I arrived at O'Hare via the Blue Line, and needed to get to the American Airlines terminal. While there are signs to point to terminals A, B, C, etc., there are ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NO GODDAMNED SIGNS TO TELL YOU WHICH FREAKING TERMINAL IS THE ONE USED BY AMERICAN ( OR ANY OTHER AIRLINE FOR THAT MATTER ) , THE DISPLAYS ON THE TV MONITORS WITH FLIGHT DEPARTURE INFORMATION WAS OF NO HELP EITHER ( WHO WOULD WANT TERMINAL INFORMATION ON A DISPLAY SHOWING DEPARTURE INFO ANYWAY? ) , AND THERE WAS NO INFORMATION DESK, MAP, CRYSTAL BALL NOR OUIJA BOARD TO GET YOU THE INFORMATION YOU NEEDED.

The Pretzel Logic Theory Of Airport Design - Part Three

Why did they bother to install those few measly yards worth of 'People Mover' at O'Hare when you're still gonna be hiking a good couple ( dozen ) miles to actually get to where your plane takes off?

The Pretzel Logic Theory Of Airport Design - Part Four

Having purchased my ticket online, I went to one of the self-service computer check-in terminals to check in, but it said I could not get on the plane because I had arrived at the airport too late, although another computer terminal just a few yards away let me check in with no problem.

At Least it Wasn't Gate K-666

Did they have to have my flight departing O'Hare from gate K-13?

OK, Is This A Good Omen Or A Bad One?

As I was walking to gate K-damn-thirteen I noticed a guy who looked an awful lot like a recently deceased friend of mine named Dave, which kind of freaked me out, but it freaked me out even more when I glanced down and saw he was wearing a pair of exotic-skinned, pointy-toed cowboy boots very much like the type Dave would have worn ( and just what is it about gay Daves and boots anyway? ) , and I was sure I could hear the theme song to the 'Twilight Zone' playing somewhere in the distance.

The Pretzel Logic Theory Of Airport Design - Part Five

Speaking of gay Daves and boots, if I'm gonna have to take my cowboy boots off as part of the whole security check-in procedure, can't they have some hot security stud there to make it at least a little enjoyable?

Does The Department Of Homeland Security Know About This?

It struck me as weird when the flight attendant mentioned at the start of her welcoming spiel that American was part of the 'One World Alliance.'

Don't Fire Until You See The Whites Of The Flight Crew's Eyes?

Call me silly, but for some reason I think an airport is not a good place to have a fairly large light-box advertisement that has the headline 'Fire A Real Machinegun!' but the nice people at the Las Vegas airport apparently disagree with me.

If you hate airports too, you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com to tell me all about it.


This article shared 1710 times since Wed Jul 13, 2005
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