After a whole bunch of columns with a single theme to them, here's an offering of a bunch o' stuff taken mostly from some recent news headlines.
So When Does The Michael Jackson Tsunami/amour Tour Begin?
Recent news headline: 'Indonesia fears child traffickers targeting orphans.'
And Some Of Them Really Get Off On That
Another recent news story headline: 'North Dakota tightens noose on sex offenders'
You Know Birth Control Pills Will Now Become The Hottest Thing At All Those Circuit Parties
Yet another recent news story headline: 'Pill protects against knee injuries'
A Nuckleshead Puts The 'Fist' Into Pacifist
Carnival worker ( warning bells going off yet? ) John H. Nuckles was recently sentenced to 28 years in prison for killing another man by striking him three times with a test-of-strength hammer. At one hearing his family described him as a 'pacifist.'
Was That 'Rod' or 'Rob'?
Chicago Alderman Richard Mell recently accused the main fundraiser for his son-in-law, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, of allegedly trading appointments to state boards and commissions for $50,000 campaign donations.
Anybody Have A Spare $50,000 You Can Lend Me Until Payday?
Still yet another recent news headline: 'Short-handed Gaming Board asks Blagojevich for more members.'
Latest Lesbian Vacation Destination
And again, still even one more recent news headline: '64% of women in 20's and 30's groped on Tokyo trains.'
It'd Be One Way To Get Same-Sex Marriage
Some downstate yahoo, and Alan 'Alicia' Keyes supporter, while recently visiting a 300-foot tall cross in downstate Effingham, Illinois, with his trannie-having-a-bad-everything-day-looking wife, Marilyn, said 'If we could cut Chicago off and float it up to Canada, we'd win big time.'
Here I Go Giving Them Ideas
Speaking of same-sex marriage ( which as we all know is such a huge threat to the sacred institution of heterosexual marriage ) , my friend Dave, from Kansas, once said to me 'I want a straight couple who got divorced to sue a random married gay couple for causing their relationship to fail.'
When Heterosexual Love Turns Shitty
A Chicago-area man recently sued his ex-girlfriend for secretly serving him more than seven adult doses of chocolate-flavored Ex-Lax at a New Year's Eve party two years ago.
The Ironic Thing Is, Anyone Who'd Buy One Is Probably Not Worth Dating
For a mere $9.95 plus $3 shipping, you can go to www.thebreakupbox.com and have a cardboard box shipped to your soon-to-be-inamorata that lets the recipient know that he or she ( or he/she or she/he ) is being dumped. In addition to a label bearing an insulting message, the box includes a form 'Dear John' letter that you can fill out. Ex-Lax is not included.
Must See Gay TV
With some new TV shows starting up for the winter mid-season, here's my idea for a gay-themed reality show: Each week on 'The Troll' a Little Jim's regular would get an extreme ( of course ) makeover, and once he's been Eliza Doolittled he'd be taken to Roscoe's on a Saturday night to see if he can get lucky. Hilarity abounds when the unsuspecting Roscoe's twink gets a look at the 'before' photos 'afterwards.'
If you would like to audition to be the host of 'The Troll,' you can e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com . If you'd like to audition to be one of the contestants on 'The Troll,' sorry, I don't have e-mail.
