Recently one nice fall Sunday, I went with a few friends to go horseback riding and to enjoy a Hoosier holiday in the Indiana countryside. Naturally there was an abundance of column material…
Waive Bye-Bye – Part One
The stable where we rented the horses required us to sign a liability waiver that was so long rain forests died for each copy. And to make sure the legal-ese took as much fun out of the event as possible, you had to separately initial each specific potential type of danger or risk of injury you might encounter.
Waive Bye-Bye – Part Two
The horse that was ridden by my friend Steve must have known that he had signed that waiver because throughout the ride his horse would intentionally walk in such a way as to try and crunch Steve's legs against tree trunks.
That's What He Gets For Not Riding Uranus
Steve's horse was named Neptune.
Maiden Voyage – Part One
I was riding Maiden, and trust me, I've never ridden one of THOSE before.
Maiden Voyage – Part Two
OK, I guess I can think of one or two guys who might qualify.
Lions, And Tigers, And Steers, Oh My!
After the horseback riding, we drove off to Indiana to visit a dairy farm owned and operated by a friend we know from Charlie's. One of the streets we had to take in order to get to his farm was "Yellow Brick Road".
Bull Dyke?
One of our friend's cows was named Nellie.
I'm Referring To The Four-Legged Variety
Do lesbian cows get offended if you call them bull dykes?
A Cow By Any Other Name
When our fairy farmer friend... sorry, I meant "dairy" farmer friend... showed us two newly born calves, one of us asked if they had been named yet. I said, "This one's Rib Eye and that one is Sirloin."
Nice Buns
When we asked what happened to older dairy cows, our friend said that they often end up as hamburger. My response? "Is this one named Wendy?"
Where Does Leather Come From, Anyway?
With its gritty appearance, stalls, stocks, chutes, milking machines, steel piping, ropes, chains, etc., the barn where the cows are milked would make an excellent leather bar.
Barn To Be Wild
And "The Barn" would be a great name for a leather bar, too.
Udderly Ridiculous Or Cream Of The Crop?
And speaking of milking machines, I wonder how many dairy farmers give into the temptation to at least once...
Steers And Queers
Bull semen is collected by having the bull mount a steer (which is a castrated bull), and directing the bull's penis into an artificial cow vagina that has to be held under the steer by using a long pole.
What A Tease
The steer or other animal used in such a manner is called a "teaser animal."
It Is A Leather Bar!
Other methods of obtaining bull semen include "Massaging vesicular gland and ampullae by way of rectum" and "electroejaculation."
Bi Bulls
One way to increase sex drive in bulls prior to collection of semen is "allowing teaser or another bull to mount the bull to be collected."
Don't Have A Cow
One web site cautioned against using a cow as a teaser because "unless they are in estrus, they rarely enjoy participating in the process, which can easily lead to injury of any and all of those involved."
They're More Receptive
I guess steers must like having sex with bulls more than cows do.
If you're with the American Dairy Association, sorry, my e-mail account at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com isn't working right now.
