Since there's a chance that Dubya could be president for another four years by this time next week, here's a Halloween column to address that scary possibility.
Sort Of Like An Early Christian Version Of President's Day
Halloween comes the day before All Saint's Day. Because so many martyrs had been canonized it was not possible to have a separate feast day for each saint, so they created a catch-all holiday that was eventually set at November 1.
What's In A Name?
"All Hallows' Eve" and "All Hallows Eve," are tied in Google at 35,800 sites, with "All Hallow's Eve" trailing badly at 23,400.
Proof That All Famous Monsters Are Gay
Dracula sucks. Frankenstein is stiff. The Phantom of the Opera Queen (need I say more?) The Wolf Man is really a bear. Witches are bitchy drag queens. And the dried up, ancient, wrinkled mummy is right out of Little Jim's.
Funny, Blackula Doesn't Look Swedish
According to www.brownielocks.com/halloweenhistory.html, "There were two major witches Sabbaths during the year... The most sacred spots for these celebrations [included] Blocula, Sweden."
Who Knew Halloween Was So Swedish?
Jack-O-Lanterns have been made with pumpkins, potatoes, beets, turnips and (in Britain) rutabagas (which they call "swedes").
Did I Forget To Mention That The Brownielocks Web Page Was Run By A Born-Again Christian?
Explaining the origin of goblins, Brownielocks relates that "Back in the stone ages there were little dark, short-people" who lived in the forest and who were eventually conquered by the Celts. The web site adds that "the Celts considered them fairies and thus evil."
Yeah, And Throughout The Rest Of The Year As Well
According to another web site: "One of the best places that the Halloween tradition can be seen is in the Village Halloween Parade, which takes place yearly on Halloween on 6th Avenue in Greenwich Village N.Y. In this celebration, crowds of men and women dressed in extravagant robes march down 6th Avenue in celebration of life. Men dressing as women and women dressing as men is a common practice in this 'upside down' festival."
Saying A Mouthful - Part One
At straight Halloween parties they bob for apples. At gay Halloween parties they bob for Bobs.
Saying A Mouthful - Part Two
Bobbing for apples was originally called "snapping for apples," and "it was believed that when a boy came up from a tub with an apple in his mouth, he was loved by the girl that he loved." Yeah, and also by all the other boys who knew what he could do with that wide, limber mouth of his.
Halloween Horrors
The Brownielocks web site lists a bunch of phobias associated with various Halloween traditions, including (the comments in brackets are mine): Samhainophobia, the fear of Halloween; cucurbitophobia, the fear of pumpkins; melanophobia, the fear of the color black [common amongst Republicans] hobophobia, the fear of bums and beggars [amongst dyslexic Republicans, the fear of gay bums and beggars] herpetophobia, the fear of snakes [amongst dyslexic gays, the fear of heteros] autodysomophobia, the fear of someone who has a foul odor [also the fear of Little Jim's regulars] eisoptrophobia, the fear of seeing yourself in a mirror [rare amongst Roscoe's regulars] pedophobia, the fear of children [rare amongst Michael Jackson] and porphyrophobia, the fear of the color purple [also the fear of Whoopi Goldberg].
The Scariest Halloween Tradition Yet
A traditional Irish dish still served on Halloween in Ireland is known as colcannon, and it is made with cabbage, mashed potatoes, parsnips and onions.
If you suffer from pretiolaphobia, the fear of pretzels, try to e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me all about it.
