Here's a Pretzel Logic look at 'The Esther Formerly Known As Madonna' and her current Kabbalah craze.
You can spell it: Cabala, Kabala, Qabala, Cabalah, Kabalah, Qabalah, Caballa, Kaballa, Qaballa, Caballah, Kaballah, Qaballah, Cabbala, Kabbala, Qabbala, Cabbalah, Kabbalah, Qabbalah, Cabballa, Kabballa, Qabballa, Cabballah, Kabballah, or Qabballah.
Ray Of Phosphorescence
Was Madonna first exposed to Kabbalah as a 9-year-old, when, in 1967, Transogram introduced its 'Ka-Bala' game, which featured a glow-in-the-dark, tilting, plastic board which depicts a smashed dragon impaled by a rotating, plastic, glow-in-the-dark Eye of Zohar?
Into The Groove
The Ouija Board-like game was played with two kids, one at each end of the board, who placed their hands on the 'Solar Projectors,' asked questions, while a black 'crystal marble' would roll around the channel that circled the board and spell out the answer by stopping at one or more letters or numbers, or the 'yes' and the 'no' that were printed around the edge of the board.
Number One With A Bullet
One web site warns: 'Care must be taken not to get too carried away as you play since the black marble has a tendency to leave the channel and fly across the room like a bullet.'
Ethereal Material Girl
The Ka-Bala game also came with a set of 22 'taro' cards. In an old comic book ad for the game a girl picks a taro card that reveals her future: 'A happy marriage with children – material wealth.' Now we know the secret inspiration for that early hit of hers.
Mama Don't (Practice What She) Preach
Recent Madonna-in-Israel news story headline: 'Madonna calls for world peace.'
From a recent Madonna-in-Israel news story: 'Her five-day visit was marred on Friday when two of her bodyguards got into a brawl with waiting photographers at her Tel Aviv hotel.'
Less Fulfilling, But It Tastes Great
A Jewish friend of mine commenting on Madonna's interest in Kabbalah: 'It's like going to a great restaurant and having a wonderful meal offered to you and she's focusing on the condiments on the table.'
I Didn't Know They Were That Bad Off In Israel
Recent Madonna-in-Israel news story headline: 'Madonna: Israel as safe as NYC.'
Buyer Beware – Part One
For $26 you can buy a red string to wear around your wrist just like Madonna. Go to the Kabbalah Center's web site, kabbalah.com . Madonna studies Kabbalah through them.
Buyer Beware – Part Two
According to the Kabbalah Center web page, 'The practice [of wearing a red string around the wrist to ward off the evil eye], developed by the sages, involves winding the red string around the tomb of the great Matriarch, Rachel located in the Land of Israel. The string is then cut it into pieces and worn on the left wrist.' However, the description of the red string for sale in the 'store' section of the web site makes no claim that the string was ever wrapped around Rachel's tomb, Madonna's tits, or anything else for that matter. But it's still gonna cost you twenty-six smackeroos.
Scholars Don't Take Them Seriously?
The Kabbalah Center's web site on how Hebrew letters transmit spiritual energy: 'In the language of the Internet, they do it in broadband. Consider them T3 lines. Faster than DSL. Quicker than cable modems. They're like fiber optic lines carrying the full spectrum of cosmic energy.'
An Easy Mistake To Make
According to the Kabbalah Center, start your Kabbalah studies by chanting: 'PAX, SAX, SARAX, HOLA, NOA, NOSTRA.' Wait… that's from the instructions to the Ka-Bala game. Sorry
Pax, Sax, Sarax, Hola, Noa, Nostra, Email, Me, At, PretzelLogicDave@Aol.Com