This week's Pretzel Logic looks at computer viruses, straight cocksuckers, groping governors, and some illicit Illinois idiots earmarked for the elections.
Your Computer Lox Up
Recent news story: 'New versions of the Bagle virus have been spreading across the Internet.'
Hetero Helper
Speaking of the Internet, the other evening I was online and I got an IM from some guy who liked that account's AOL profile. He explained that while he's straight, he has recently been obsessed with the idea of sucking a guy's cock. He said he never had these urges before, but after two years of being celibate following his divorce, they started up. I knew exactly what he needed and I gave it to him. Funny thing is, the hard up straight guy did not seem too happy with my recommendation that he first have sex with a woman to see if ending his heterosexual celibacy might also put an end to his desperate desire for downing a dong.
Grumpy Guv
New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey sure gets pissy when guys like me don't buy his story.
Big Mac Attack
According to one of the supermarket tabloids, Governor McGreevey, wearing 'dark glasses and a baseball cap pulled down,' would go with a boyfriend would go to a Trenton, NJ gay bar called 'Buddies' where the Gay Gov. would asked to be called 'Big Mac.'
Yeah, And So Did McGreevey
The guy the Gulping Gov. supposedly had his affair with, Gonad Cipel… sorry, that's 'Golan Cipel' claims that he is straight.
Is That The Name He Uses For It?
According to the tabloid report, Gonad claimed that Manhandlin' McGreevey performed oral sex on him against his Will... I mean 'will.'
He Kneels In Front Of His
Recent newspaper headline: 'Gov. McGreevey's wife stands by her man.'
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, You Sucked My Cock, Now I'm Blackmailing You
According to news reports, Gonad is an aspiring poet.
Idiot, Are You Not?
Gonad, an Israeli citizen, told his side of the story to the daily Israeli newspaper Yediot Ahronot.
Introduce Him To Jack Ryan
The tabloid reported that McGreevey was closeted as a result of 'growing up in a devout Roman Catholic home with a father who taught him 'right from wrong at the end of a belt.''
Keep Him Away From New Jersey
Doesn't Dan Lipinski, the tall, scrawny-looking son of retiring U.S. Rep. William Lipinski (D-IL) (who schemed to get his son on the ballot in his place after good ol' dad announced his retirement) look about as butch as the average Little Jim's troll?
Call him Alicia Keyes
Speaking of Illinois politics and trolls, doesn't Republican U.S. Senate candidate, shamelessly hypocritical carpetbagger, and pseudo-moralist Alan Keyes look like he has the features to make a great drag queen?
He Hasn't Met Alicia Yet
Regarding the anti-gay platform drafted by the Republican Party, a spokesman for the Log Cabin Republicans said 'You can't craft a vicious, mean-spirited platform and then try to put lipstick on the pig' with a TV-friendly convention.
Don't Worry, There's Still Plenty Of Other Reasons To Hate Him
Vice-President Dick Cheney has gone on record as opposing the idea of amending the U.S. Constitution to ban same-sex marriages.
With Friends Like This...
Democratic Presidential candidate Jack Kerry is not opposed to amending the constitution of his home state of Massachusetts to ban same-sex marriages.
If you are anyone mentioned in this week's column, sorry I don't have e-mail. All the rest of you can contact me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com
