Science, humor, religion and politics are the main subjects covered in this week's Pretzel Logic, with special emphasis on political joke John Ashcroft.
Uh, Guys, It Doesn't Mean He Thinks You're Number One
Recent news story headline: 'Buddha's finger brings Hong Kong momentary peace.'
Stop Me If I Computed This One For You Before
Scientists have devised an equation, x = (fl + no) / p, that is supposedly the mathematical formula for the perfect joke. A joke's comedic value (x) is equal to the funniness of the punch line (f) multiplied by the length of the buildup (l) plus the amount a person falls over (n) to the power of the 'ouch factor' (o), which is defined as physical pain of social embarrassment, divided by the number of puns, which reduce the comedic value of the joke. A laugh riot, those scientists.
Does Not Compute
Paris Hilton, commenting on the Fox TV show 'The Simple Life 2,' which stars her and Nicole Richie: 'We're entertainers, we're actresses and we do the show and make it funny.'
When Jose Padilla, the ex-Chicago gang member and alleged Islamic terrorist, was arrested in June 2002, Attorney general John Ashcroft said that Padilla had planned to detonate a 'dirty bomb' that could 'cause mass death and injury' when the conventional explosives in it would scatter radioactive material over a wide area. However, when Ashcroft revealed in June of this year that the radioactive material allegedly planned for the bomb was uranium, scientists said that the low radioactivity of uranium would have made the bomb ineffectual. One physicist said 'Just saying the word 'uranium,' the public automatically assumes 'Oh, it sounds bad,' while yet another physicist pointed out the harmlessness of the alleged radioactive hazard by saying 'I used a 20-pound brick of uranium as a doorstop in my office.' Hmmm, maybe Ashcroft was just trying out for a role on the TV show Punk'd.
Tortured Silence – Part One
Attorney General Ashcroft has refused to release Justice Department memos which argue that a wartime president is not bound by anti-torture laws or treaties. Ashcroft has also said that the Bush administration has never authorized the use of torture, while some Republicans have said releasing the memos that defend the use of torture could 'lead to a misinterpretation about US policy regarding torture.' Personally, I think we should trust Attorney General John Ashcroft. After all, he was honest about the seriousness of the danger posed by all that uranium, wasn't he?
Tortured Silence – Part Two
And let's not forget about all those hundreds of weapons of mass destruction they found in Iraq.
Tortured Silence – Part Three
Or that well-documented Iraq/Al-Qaeda link.
Does Ashcroft Moonlight At The Vatican?
The Vatican has released a study that said that the torture, burning at the stake, and other cruelties inflicted on those convicted of being heretics during the Inquisition was not as bad as commonly believed.
Least Surprising News Headline Of The Month
'Southern Baptists quit liberal group.'
A Bank One branch that recently opened on the south side of Chicago greeted its customers with metal detectors at the entrance, and a sign on the front door that depicted a gun inside a circle with a slash through it, and the words 'ENTER ONE PERSON AT A TIME. WAIT FOR GREEN LIGHT.' Finally, a bank that John Ashcroft could love.
If you think the Buddha was giving John Ashcroft the finger, you can e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .
If you ARE Attorney General John Ashcroft, I assume you have already read every e-mail ever sent to me by anyone at anytime for any reason.