The Republican candidate for U.S. Senator from Illinois, Jack Ryan, was in the news recently for some obscure reason. Here's a Pretzel Logic look at the now-tarnished GOP golden boy.
Father Knows Best
Prior to the lurid divorce allegations thrusting into the news, Jack Ryan (no relation to disgraced, yet-to-be-convicted-criminal, and fellow Republican George Ryan) said that when he told his father he was going to run for the Senate his father replied that 'it was a boneheaded thing to do.'
Finally, A Reason To Vote Republican
The files released from Jack Ryan's divorce case reveal allegations by his now ex-wife, TV actress Jeri Ryan, that the almost-certainly-soon-to-be-ex-Republican Senatorial candidate had insisted on taking her to sex clubs in Paris, New York and New Orleans, where he wanted to have sex acts with her in front of other people, and where at least one 'bizarre club' was outfitted with 'cages, whips, and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling.'
Birds Of A Leather Flock Together
Well, this sure explains that 'Jack Ryan For Senate' booth at this year's IML Leather Mart.
Running For Orifice
If elected, I am sure Mr. Ryan will try to become the Senate Majority Whip.
Mr. Sensitive Goes To Washington
When Jeri Ryan began to cry after witnessing 'people … having sex everywhere' at a sex club in Paris that our kinky candidate took her to, she claimed in her divorce papers, that Jackie got 'upset' with her 'and said it was not a 'turn on' for [her] to cry.'
Thar She Blows?
Jeri Ryan claimed that at a New York sex club her then-husband 'asked [her] to perform a sexual activity on him and specifically asked other people to watch.'
An Obvious Mistake
Maybe Jack thought his actress/wife was the star of a TV show called 'Boston Public Sex.'
Before running for the Senate, jackin' Jackie was a school teacher.
At A Sperm Bank?
Before he was a school teacher, writhin' Ryan was an investment banker.
Sing A Song
Some suggestions for Jack Ryan's new campaign theme song would be: 'I'm Too Sexy,' 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy,' 'Bad Boys,' 'Head,' 'Partyup,' 'Jack U Off,' and 'Looking For Love (In All The Wrong Places)'.
He's Experienced A 'Campaign Malfunction'
Maybe he could get Janet Jackson to sing it for his new campaign commercials.
Harnessing The Republican Vote
Will Jack's new campaign commercials have him dressed up in a chest harness, leatherman's cap, chaps, codpiece, and pointy black boots?
From www.jackryan2004.com/issues: 'I believe that marriage can only be defined as that union between one man and one woman. I am opposed to same-sex marriages, civil unions, and registries.' However, other men can watch Mr. Defense of Marriage as he has sex with his wife, and that will (allegedly) get the kinky conservative as hard as a rock
Running For The Other Orifice
If he fails to become the next Republican Senator from Illinois, Jack Ryan could run for president in 2008 as a Democrat.
Sun-Times Neil Steinberg summed up Ryan's post-scandal election difficulties pretty well when he said 'Who'd want to shake his hand now?'
But Bring Your Harness And Pointy Black Boots
On the Monday that the story made headlines, I got a call from CBS News asking about the Ryan scandal. I indicated that I was a Republican who had a previously favorable opinion of Jack Ryan, but who now had a negative opinion of him. Maybe Mr. Ryan should come over and punish me for lying.
If you are Jack Ryan, my turn ons are puppies, long walks on the beach, sincerity and pointy black boots. And you can e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com