This week's column is mostly a Pretzel Logic look at recent news headlines, with one or two other things thrown in just for the heck of it.
Sperm Bank – Part One
The chief executive officer of the Bank of Ireland was forced to resign from his job recently after he admitted accessing pornographic Web sites from his office computer.
Sperm Bank – Part Two
This is not a new joke, but it does deserve to be spread about a bit more: 'Did you hear about the gay guy who got fired from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.'
Panties In A Twist – Part One
A male crew member from the set of a new Cameron Diaz movie was fired recently when she returned to her trailer to find the guy stuffing a pair of her panties into his pocket. I can kind of sort of understand where the crew member was coming from, but in my case, of course, it would be country cutie Brad Paisley. And while I'm not quite sure I could stuff a pair of his cowboy boots in my pocket, I'd sure as hell try if I had the chance.
Panties In A Twist – Part Two
OK, and a pair of his boxer briefs too.
But Watch Your Tongues
The carnivorous plant known as the 'Venus fly trap' got its name not because the bizarre bug eater looks like it came from outer space, but because the pent up Puritan botanists who first discovered it in its native North and South Carolina decided that the hinged hemispherical lobes that make up the end of the stalk looked a lot like that one certain part of a woman that most gay guys squirm at the mere mention of. So ladies, now's your chance to be the very first to establish the latest
Recent headline in the Sun-Times' religion section: 'Respect and
gratitude start in the bathroom.'
Does Betty Loren Know About This?
Newspaper headline from earlier this year: '10% OF MALTESE GAYS REPORT VIOLENCE.'
Made By Homo Erectus?
Archeologists, at a site at Blombos cave near South Africa's Indian Ocean coast, recently discovered a 75,000 year-old set of beads made from sea shells that had holes drilled in them. At a nearby gay site the archeologists discovered a 75,000 year-old set of anal beads.
Be Sure To Give The Delivery Guy A Reaaaaaaaally Big Tip
The Swedish Organization for Sexual Education recently announced plans to start a delivery service in Stockholm with a fleet of four cars that will, for the equivalent of about $6.66, deliver a 10-pack of condoms to people ready for action but who are wanting for rubber.
His favorite Bar Was Little Jim's
Count Laszlo Almasy, the Hungarian explorer who was the subject of the film 'The English Patient' starring hunky Ralph Fiennes, was in real life, according to recently declassified British intelligence documents,
ineffectual Nazi intelligence officer who was described as 'very ugly and shabbily dressed, with a fat and
pendulous nose, drooping shoulders and a nervous tic.' A new book about to be published also reveals that Almasy was also gay.
I Think Rugops And Almasy Were Drinking Buddies Who Met At You-Know-Which-Bar-I-Mean-Without-My-Even-Having-To-Say-It
Archeological angel Paul Sereno, of the U of C, recently announced the discovery of an unusual new dinosaur which he has named rugops primus (which translates to 'first wrinkle-face) because of the large number of blood vessels in its head gave it a rough-looking skull, and it is the
earliest known dinosaur of its type.
If you have a pair of Brad Paisley's old boots that you'd like to give to me,
e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com and let me know.
If you are an attorney for Little Jim's, sorry my e-mail isn't working right now.