From gay British princes to gay baboons, well … I guess there's not really that much difference, so let's just get right to this week's Pretzel Logic.
Polishing The Old Scepter?
According to rumors circulating in various press reports, Britain's Prince Charles was allegedly seen several years ago having a homosexual encounter with his aide, Michael Fawcett. While the prince denies the allegation, it looks like he could turn out to be more of a queen than a king.
Chubby Chaser Chuck
The questionable aide in question is (allegedly) Michael Fawcett, and based on the photo of him in the Sun-Times, it looks as if Cuckie is into guys "with a few extra pounds" on them. This sort of brings a whole new meaning to him being the "Prince of Whales."
There is no truth to the rumor that Prince Charles has a sign on his front door that says "If this palace is a rockin', don't come a knockin'."
The King Of Queens
There is also not a single bit of truth to the rumor that Prince Charles has been paraphrasing Marie Antoinette by saying "Let them eat cock."
All Rise - Part One
Prince Charles' office issued a statement dismissing the gay sex allegations as being "risible," so it's nice to see the rumors are turning somebody on.
All Rise - The Other Part
At least the prince's office didn't describe the alleged royal rump romp as being "boffo," "fool-headed," "jerky," or "screwy."
Is That A Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
A U of C researcher studying baboons at Brookfield Zoo has discovered that male baboons engage in a bonding ritual that includes giving each other "come hither" looks, lip smacking, and "coy touching of the hips—or perhaps one might turn his rump to the other." The researcher wrote her graduate thesis on this subject, and it was just published in some scholarly journal, so if you see her, whatever you do, don't mention that the furry males she saw were just some Great Lakes Bears out for an evening at the zoo.
Hey Diddle Diddle
According to the baboon story, the little fellas also engage in an activity known as "diddling," which is a technical term for fondling each other's genitalia. Who knew baboons flagged white?
As Much Fun As A Barrel Of Monkeys
While we are on the subject, who knew that Prince Charles was part baboon?
Monkey See, Monkey Do
But on second thoughts, it would sort of explain Charlie's elongated face and that odd nose of his.
Biting The Hand That Feels You
According to the baboon researcher, the diddling is a signal "to test the quality and strength of (the) bonds" between the male baboons. She also is quoted as saying "They are risky signals. They have this potential cost to them. I am reaching out to diddle you and I basically have to trust that you are not going to bite off my hand." Which is more than you can say about certain gay bars in this town.
If you have photographs of Prince Charles diddling a baboon, e-mail it to me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .
If you are Prince Charles' barrister, sorry, I don't have e-mail.