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  NIGHTSPOTS

Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2003-02-05

This article shared 1875 times since Wed Feb 5, 2003
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From boots to bad boys, Betty's baby to bizarre beverages, Burke's butt to beer babes, and more in between, it's another Pretzel Logic look at the news.

There Go My Millions

A federal judge recently tossed out the class-action lawsuit brought against McDonald's by plaintiffs who blamed the fast-food franchise for their obesity and other related health issues. Damn, I guess that means I can't sue Alcala's Western Wear for that whole cowboy boot fetish thing after all.

With Special Guest

Vocals By Michael Jackson

What was Pete Townshend 'researching' at those child porn sites anyway, lyrics for a duets album with R. Kelly?

But They Won't

Really Mean It

The government of Saudi Arabia recently said it was going to take action to fight its 'soft on terrorism' image. What are the Saudis going to do, ask the terrorists to return all the money they gave them?

Sounds Like Good Old Yankee-Style

Marketing To Me

A Muslim entrepreneur in France selling 'Mecca Cola' describes his beverage as 'not just a drink ... It's an act of protest against Bush and Rumsfeld and their policies.' He also plans on starting up a fast-food chain this spring called 'HFC,' for 'Halal Fried Chicken.'

Talk About A Rhetorical Question

When Betty Loren Maltese adopted her daughter a few years ago, a videotape taken at the time shows the now-convicted felon holding the crying infant and saying 'Why are you crying? We're going home.'

And Then There's Betty

Betty said that her daughter recently told her that a boy she knew was going to end up in jail because 'He's a bad boy; he's going to jail because all bad people are in jail.' Betty said she replied: 'No, Ashleigh, that's not true, not everyone in jail is bad.'

----------------------------------------

Butt Out Of Burke's Butt

Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka, a cigar smoker, made a comment about Alderman Edward Burke having a 'bug up his butt' because of an anti-smoking ordinance Burke has supported. In a recent City Council hearing on the proposed ordinance, Burke said to a Ditka representative: 'I wanted to ask him (Ditka) how he came to know about the condition of my anus. I know the coach has a great deal of knowledge. But I was just wondering how he knew about my posterior. Would you convey that question to him and ask how he knows about my rear end?' Thank goodness Burke didn't make an ass out of himself.

Talk About An Understatement

Ditka's representative replied to Burke by saying 'And I am glad I don't have knowledge of that, either.'

Even Burke's Butt Sounds Better

A new Miller Lite beer ad features two attractive 20-something women who end up in a mud-wrestling match as their dispute escalates over whether Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling. The cable TV version of the ad ends with one of the women suggesting 'Let's make out.' Miller defends the ad as 'a lighthearted spoof of guy's fantasies,' but you can buy me a Bud instead.

If you have knowledge of Ed Burke's anus, please DO NOT e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .

I would like to thank the Chicago Sun-Times for all the info they gave me about Burke's butt, as well as all the Betty bits.


This article shared 1875 times since Wed Feb 5, 2003
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