The snow might be yellow, the eggnog undrinkable, the presents returnable, but as long as the fruitcake is hard ( he doesn't have to be smart, just pretty ) you can be sure to have a happy homo holiday. So sit back, resist the temptation to use the Yule log as a dildo, and enjoy a Pretzel Logic look at Christmas.
Cheesy, Or Is That 'Cheasy'?
A 'Cheaster' is a person who attends church only on Christmas and Easter.
This One's Cheney
Holiday news headline: 'Shooter takes out Santa's glasses.'
Bambi's Father Was Gay
Holiday news headline: 'Rump of Rudolph?...'
Dreaming Of A White Christmas
In a news story from last January with the headline 'Black Santa Claus draws slurs downstate' some vandals whose spirit seemed to have more in common with Halloween than Christmas spray-painted a death threat and a racial slur on the house of a downstate Illinois man who displayed a black Santa figure in his yard.
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
After spray-painting their racist rantings, the downstate dimwits then tied a noose around the plastic black Santa's neck and strung him up from a tree.
A couple of years ago a 22-year old guy in Winnipeg, Manitoba chopped down an 18-foot tall blue spruce from in front of an apartment building. The police were able to catch him by following the 'trail of pine cones, needles and broken limbs [ that ] led directly to a residence across the street.' They did not believe the crackpot Canadian's claim that 'he had bought the tree from an unknown door-to-door tree salesman for $5.'
Holiday news headline: 'Mexico starts growing its own Christmas trees.'
A man from Grand Rapids, MI, cut down a 6-foot tree at an airport, but was caught because he dropped his checkbook at the scene of the Christmas-time crime.
O Australian Christmas Tree?
According to a newspaper story from last year, the newest Christmas fad was the upside-down artificial Christmas tree that is either hung from a wall or ceiling, or fitted with a special weighted base. Target's tagline for the upside-down tree they sold was 'Leaves more room on the floor for gifts.'
O Polish Christmas Tree
According to the same news article, 'Upside-down Christmas trees have been popular before... in 12th-century Central Europe.'
Ugh Christmas Tree
Last year the official Rhode Island state Christmas tree 'lost all its needles and died after statehouse workers dried it with commercial fans and sprayed it with a fire-retardant chemical.'
O Make Up Your Mind Already!
Depending on the web site you go to, the first lines of 'O Christmas Tree' ( which in German are 'O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, Wie grün sind deine Blätter!' ) are given as: 'O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, How steadfast are your branches!'; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging.'; or 'O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, Your branches green delight us.'; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree! How are thy leaves so verdant!' ( this one was the most common ) ; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, How lovely are your branches.' ( this is the one I grew up with ) ; or 'O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! You Stand in verdant beauty!'; or 'O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree, O tree of green unchanging'; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree! Thou tree most fair and lovely!'; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree How loyal are your leaves/needles!' ( THAT sounds real melodic, doesn't it? ) ; or 'Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, of all the trees most lovely;'; or 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how true you stand unchanging,'; or last, but not least, 'O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, With faithful leaves unchanging.' If only the damn lyrics were unchanging!
Ve Haf Vays Uv Makink You Sing Ein Kristmas Karol
With a name like O'Christmas Tree, you'd think that carol would be of Irish origin, and not German.
If you have a version of the opening lines of 'O Christmas Tree' that I missed, feel free to e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com