The time has 'come' for yet another Pretzel Logic column, so let me shoot a wad of sperm fun facts and related items at you.
Forget The Eggs, Mine Are Going For The Sausage
Researchers have discovered that human sperm cells follow 'chemical attractants' that lead them to the female egg cell. I never was chemical friendly.
It's Called The Center Bar
Researchers have just announced that riding mountain bikes can lower the sperm count in men.
Sukie De La Center Bar
In his March 19th column in Nightspots, Sukie de la Croix mentioned that he has been having testicle trouble. Funny, I was not aware he was into mountain biking.
A Reason To Date Older Guys
According to one Web site, in the past 50 years 'the volume of a single ejaculate has declined from 3.40 ml to 2.75 ml. This means that men on average are now ejaculating less than half (as much) as men did 50 yrs ago.'
Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice
According to www.reallifesolutions.co.uk/FORHIMsperm.htm, sperm cells are made up of sugar, protein, Vitamin C, zinc and prostaglandins.
He's Got The Whole World In His Hands
According to the same Web site, 'as long as you remain healthy you will continue to produce thousands of sperm every minute, with about 3 million at the tip of your penis every time you get an erection, (enough to populate an entire small country and all fitting onto a teaspoon!) all waiting to break free.'
Mine Fail The Acid Test
The Realifesolutions Web site says that 5% of what men ejaculate is sperm, while the rest consists of alkaline substances that help protect the sperm as it travels through the 'females [sic] acid vagina.' Acid vagina!?
One of my favorite dumb jokes: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
According to the book Facts & Phalluses, by Alexandra Parsons, the first people to see sperm cells through a lens were Dr. Antonij Leeuwenhoek and his associate, Dr. Hamm, in 1677.
Your Once, Twice,
Three Times An Ejaculation
Ms. 'P' also says that when a guy cums, it will have 'THREE DISTINCT SPURTS because of the three main glandular systems that contribute to the discharge.' In order of spurt, those are the Cowper's glands, the prostate, and finally, the testicles.
Especially On Halsted, Swinging Back And Forth
Human testicles are actually formed in the abdomen, and eventually descend to their usual place in the scrotum. But, as Ms. 'P' explains, 'MISPLACED TESTICLES have been found under the skin at the root of the penis and even just in front of the anus.'
Automatic Butt Plug
Guinea pig semen solidifies into a plug shortly after ejaculation.
The Foot Fetish Explained
Another fact from Ms. P: 'The human glans penis is about as sensitive as the SOLE OF THE FOOT.'
Hunchback Of Halsted St.
It's a good thing I am neither limber nor long enough to suck my own dick, or I'd never leave the house. And if I did, I'd be all doubled over and emitting a low, slurping sound.
I Want To Be Reincarnated
As A Dragonfly
Male dragonflies have two penises.
If you have two penises, e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com, and be sure to include a JPG. Or two.