McDonald's', Me, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Marines and more all appear in this week's Pretzel Logic.
With Prizes In Pesos?
For the first time ever, fast-food giant McDonald's is printing some of its game pieces in both English and Spanish.
The Pretzel Logic Facelift
For some mysterious reason, the web page (but not the print version) for my April 16th column has the caption 'Pretzel Logic Surgeries Ago.' Do you suppose Michael Jackson had the site hacked because of all the jokes I have made of his facial tuckpointng? Or did Sukie get 'testy' over that item I wrote which referred to him riding a mountain bike?
Speaking of Michael Jackson, it turns out he 'regularly uses body doubles for security purposes,' even though he is the one guy on the planet who should not have look-alikes.
Y'know, You Never Do See Clay And Martin Short Together ...
I hope Clay Aiken wins the American Idol competition because America needs a pop music star who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ed Grimley.
She'll Beat The Crap Out Of Anyone Who Says Otherwise
Madonna canceled the U.S. release of the video to her new song 'American Life' because she thought it might be offensive to U.S. troops. The video features fashion models in military garb, crossdressing 'soldiers,' explosions, children and U.S. flags.
The ending of one version of the video had her throwing a hand grenade at a George Bush look-alike. Also, in an interview she was quoted as saying of Saddam Hussein ' ... you could almost feel like I want to go there (Iraq) and kick some ass ... ' Madonna also said to MTV that she considers herself to be a pacifist.
Cruise This Missile
How many uniform fetish guys do you suppose have been dressing up with one as a U.S. Marine and the other as Saddam Hussein?
Vested Interest In Student Discipline
U.S. Marines found a cache of about 50 suicide bomb vests in a school in central Baghdad. Each vest weighed about 20 pounds, and contained powerful C4 explosive and hundreds of ball bearings. Maybe somebody should explain to the Iraqis that it's supposed to be a 'detention hall,' not a 'detonation hall.'
What A Drag
While I was out with a friend one evening recently, he pointed out a certain less than butch individual and asked me if the guy was a drag queen. After taking a quick look, I responded: 'I don't know. But if he's not, he should be.'
Diamond In The Roughage
A company in Elk Grove Village can take the cremated remains of the deceased and turn them into synthetic diamonds. In what I hope is an unrelated news item, a man attempted to steal a $37,500 diamond from a jeweler by switching the real one with a fake, and swallowing the real gem. He was arrested, and police officers had to examine his bowel movements for about one week until the diamond finally turned up.
Just In Time For IML
The Chicago Police Department has ordered its officers to no longer enforce a century-old city ordinance against 'indecent, lewd or filthy acts.' But don't get your hopes (or anything else) up too much. They are just going to enforce other ordinances instead.
Send your indecent, lewd or filthy e-mails to me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com