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  NIGHTSPOTS

Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2003-05-28

This article shared 1498 times since Wed May 28, 2003
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From messy monkeys to malicious maids, and much, much more, here's the latest stuff I was able to think up in between hitting my computer with rocks and peeing on it.

Banana Logic

Researchers at Plymouth University, in England, provided six monkeys at a zoo with a computer for one month. In addition to having 'pressed the letter 's' a lot,' the monkeys ended up hitting the computer with rocks, sleeping on it, as well as defecating and urinating on it. A sample of the monkey's literary output goes as follows: 'vvvvvvvpppsssgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hhhhh.'

So, Sukie, when do they start writing for Nightspots?

Maybe They Can Get Winona Ryder To Take Over The Part

Shelley Morrison, who plays the maid character Rosario on Will & Grace, was recently charged with misdemeanor counts of shoplifting for allegedly stealing $446.44 worth of jewelry from a store.

But Doesn't Dubya Also Believe In The Easter Bunny?

Shortly after GOP Sen. Rick Santorum made his intolerant comments comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery, a White House spokesman said that 'the President believes the senator is an inclusive man. And that's what he believes.'

Bet On It

Maybe Bettin' Bill 'Bennett' should hook up with Betting Betty Loren-Maltese and write the 'Book of Vices.'

How Many Different Ways Can You Demonstrate Ripping Up A Photo Of The Pope?

Sinead O'Connor has announced plans to give up the music business in order to teach religion.

Your Tax Dollars At Work

The FTC issued a report in April stating that most e-mail 'spam' is false or misleading in some way. Does that mean all those Russian brides really aren't waiting breathlessly to meet me?

Subj: 20/F IL Lookin

To Talk ...

The following is an actual e-mail I received a while back, with my comments added inside the brackets:

Hey there! My name is Anastasia [in reality it's probably 'Fred'], but my friends just call me Ann. ACK!! It's so cold in Chicago!!! [the e-mail was sent during unseasonably warm weather in March] I grew up and graduated from high school in California. After that I was accepted here at North Western where I am now. [It should be 'Northwestern,' and where is the comma after 'Western'?] I'm contemplating switching my major from economics to law [should be 'prelaw'], but everybody tells me there are too many lawyers!! [OK, no argument there] The way the economy is right now, I doubt a degree in law or econ will help me find a job after I graduate. Hehe, jk!!! I hope!! [Hehe, jk!!! U R!!] Well now that you know a little about me, [that you are some middle-aged straight guy doofus who never finished his GED, and can't even spell 'Northwestern' correctly?] I'd like to get to know you too! [that makes one of us] Come chat with me and my dormmates for FREE! [yeah, right] We have a webcam setup in our dorm [he probably hires hookers and uses a room in his mom's basement] and love to chat to people while they watch us ;). [ACK!!]

jaajjjjjjjjjjjjjb-jmmslllggmmlljjmmmmmmnjjjnvvvn DaveInChicago773@aol.com . ACK!!


This article shared 1498 times since Wed May 28, 2003
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Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
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as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

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