Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2022-12-07
DOWNLOAD ISSUE
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz
2003-07-09

This article shared 4683 times since Wed Jul 9, 2003
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


Everyone has one. Everyone has dated one. And it's time for me to make one out of myself by shining a light on part of an area that the sun normally never sees.

Where There's A Will,

There's A Gay

One definition of 'anus' that I found online said that it 'is only open during the expulsion of feces, because it is usually kept closed by sphincter muscles, which can be relaxed at will.' They obviously forgot the 'Halsted Street Exception' to that rule.

Holy Asshole

If you go to www.anus.com, the American Nihilist Underground Society (A.N.U.S.) has a web page that shows an extreme close-up of a person's rear end, with two hands opening the anus very widely. Inside the asshole there has been pasted an illustration of Jesus with a dollar sign drawn on His forehead. I think it's time for someone to switch to decaff.

Unholy Anus

At the council of Nicacea in A.D. 325, an Arian heretic by the name of Anus was condemned by both St. Alexander of Alexandria and St. Alexander of Constantinople. In 336 Anus was sponsored by the Emperor Constantine to be received into the Church. Distressed at this situation, Alexander of Constantinople prayed that either he or Anus be removed from the scene. Anus died suddenly. I guess he was shit out of luck.

Sex Pigs Reincarnate As Birds

Birds excrete both uric acid (waste from their bloodstream) and their intestinal waste through their 'cloaca,' which has been described as a 'multi-purpose hole.'

Anal Sex For The Birds

Birds have sex by putting their cloacas together.

Sticky Situation

According to Smellypoop.com, virtually everyone has pinworms, small nematodes that live in the colon, with the females emerging from the anus at night to lay their eggs. The Web site says you can find out if you have pinworms by asking 'someone to gently touch around your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be able to see them.' Be suspicious if the guy is wearing the role of tape like a cock ring.

Breaking And Entering

The same Web site defines a 'Turd Burglar' as someone in a public lavatory 'who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open.' In Boystown he'd be called a 'Trick.'

Hot Time In The Old Town

About one-quarter of the people who ignite their farts get burned from the flames.

One For The Ladies

The Smellypoop site also says that it is possible for women to fart from their vaginas, the gas causing the female frontal fart being air that got trapped inside. The Web site also says that the 'air can enter because the system is open to the outside,' and that 'this highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef.' I'm going to have to take their word on this one.

Tunnel Of Love

In Chicago just last month, the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation displayed an 'incredibly lifelike 40-foot-long, four-foot-tall crawl-through replica of the human colon.' I did not get to see it, but I am sure it was a moving experience.

If you have a 40-foot-long, 4-foot high colon, e-mail me at DaveInChicago773@aol.com .


This article shared 4683 times since Wed Jul 9, 2003
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

ONYX Midwest forum tackles racist performance at Touche's anniversary party 2023-01-22
- In a response to the racist performance that took place at the leather, fetish and bear-focused Touche Chicago's 45th anniversary celebration on Nov. 1, 2022, ONYX Midwest hosted a community forum Jan. 21 at The Leather ...


Gay News

Touche Chicago's 45th-anniversary celebration marred by racist performance 2022-11-03
- Racist performance mires Touche Chicago's 45th anniversary celebration By Carrie Maxwell On Nov. 1, the leather, fetish and bear-focused Touche Chicago celebrated its 45th anniversary with a feature performance by ...


Gay News

Howard Brown Health's Big Orange Ball has 'Saturday Night Fever' theme 2022-10-27
- Howard Brown Health's Big Orange Ball was back in-person at Park West on Oct. 22—this time with a big (not orange) disco ball. About 300 people brought their Halloween spirit to the event, dressed in costumes ...


Gay News

'Martinis That Matter' to honor former TPAN CEO Jeff Berry on Oct. 30 2022-10-19
- Marty's Martini Bar, 1511 W. Balmoral Ave., presents "Martinis That Matter," a community giving-back program that funds community groups, charities and organizations. Profits from the sales during these events go to the organizations hosting. On Sunda ...


Gay News

'Barlesque' launches at Sidetrack 2022-09-03
- On Sept. 1 at Northalsted/Boystown nightspot Sidetrack, Barlesque kicked off. Nightlife figure Khloe Daniels hosted, introducing this year's bars, performers and choreographers. Barlesque brings Chicago nightlife superstars, local bars and ...


Gay News

TPAN bringing back 'Barlesque' starting Sept. 1 2022-08-25
- Barlesque is back. On Thursday, Sept. 1, at 7 p.m. at Northalsted/Boystown nightspot Sidetrack, 3349 N. Halsted St., Barlesque will kick off. Nightlife figure Khloe Daniels will host introduce this year's bars, performers and choreographers. Attendanc ...


Gay News

Touche holds fundraiser for Windy City Times 2022-07-12
- Leather bar Touche, 6412 N. Clark St., held its regular Friday fundraiser on July 8—and the fortunate recipient this time was Windy City Times. Approximately $200 were raised during this benefit raffle. Touche has been a ...


Gay News

Pride Journey: Iceland 2022-03-21
- The only way to describe Iceland is ... magical. It truly is. Iceland is like no other place I've visited in the world. It's topography, climate, people, culture, history, and nightlife blended together make Iceland a ...


Gay News

PASSAGES Jeffrey Wayne ("Jef") Morgan 2022-01-11
- Jeffrey Wayne "Jef" Morgan, of Chicago's West Rogers Park neighborhood, passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack while shoveling snow on Jan. 2. He was 58. Jef was the well-loved manager at Little Jim's on ...


Gay News

'Andersonville Homecoming' Sept. 24-26; line-up, vendors, safety protocols announced 2021-09-15
--From a press release - CHICAGO (Sept. 15, 2021) The Andersonville Chamber of Commerce (ACC) is pleased to announce the full entertainment line-up and vendors for Andersonville Homecoming--a three-night, two-day outdoor festival featuring ...


Gay News

Next OUTspoken show Sept. 7 2021-08-24
- An OUTspoken Storytelling Night taking place Tuesday, Sept. 7, will offer tales told by six people who will relate their stories of fun and fortune from a LGBTQ+ perspective. The entertainment will start at 7 p.m. ...


Gay News

Taste of River North cancelled 2021-07-29
- On July 29, the River North Residents Association, along with theMART and Duff Entertainment, announced the cancellation of the 2021 edition of Taste of River North. The event was slated to take place Aug. 20-21 at ...


Gay News

OUTspoken storytelling to host six takes from LGBTQ+ perspective 2021-07-26
--From a press release - The month of August is hot - but OUTspoken at the Sidetrack will be even hotter on Aug. 3 when six storytellers will tell tales of fun and fortune from a LGBTQ+ perspective! The program will start at 7:00 pm at ...


Gay News

LGBTQIA+ tavern to open in Uptown this fall 2021-07-14
- 2Bears Tavern Group—which owns and operates Andersonville's The SoFo Tap and Meeting House Tavern as well as Rogers Park's Jackhammer—is opening 2Bears Tavern Uptown in the former Nick's on Wilson space at 1140 W. Wilson Ave. ...


Gay News

Pride Parade coordinator provides latest on the 'likely scenario' for event 2021-05-08
- Tim Frye, the coordinator of the 2021 Pride Parade, told Windy City Times that the assessment of this year's event has not changed over the last few weeks. The official statement/assessment at this point is: "We ...


 




Copyright © 2023 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.