1 ) Public Enemy: The group's next CD will be entitled How to Sell Soul to a Soul-less People Who Sold Their Soul. This follows How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck...
2 ) The name game: Some parents are now letting their kids name themselves. I'm just a little worried about this six-year-old named Li'l Kim.
3 ) Kenny G: He's released a CD called At Last ... The Duets Album. At Last? Did somebody actually ask for this?
4 ) Taking a whack: The Memphis ( Tenn. ) City School Board recently voted 5-4 to ban paddling. Strangely enough, it was approved 1-0 in my household.
5 ) Paradox: Fighting basketball player Ron Artest said that he's a big fan of the Nobel Prize. Isn't that like Paris Hilton saying that she's a big fan of intellect?
6 ) Mike Tyson: He was recently arrested for allegedly jumping on the hood of someone's car. I'm so glad he's calmed down.
7 ) Fulltime Killer: This 2001 Chinese movie features an actual 17-year-old playing an Interpol agent. To put this in perspective, imagine Hilary Duff as an FBI agent. ( 'You're, like, SO under arrest!' )
8 ) Jack LaLaine: The 90-year-old fitness buff said that he hasn't had dessert since 1929. Well, I haven't had any since 2:29.
9 ) Away in a manger: London's Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum had a Nativity scene with David Beckham as Joseph, his wife Victoria ( Posh Spice ) as the Virgin Mary, and President Bush as one of the Three Wise Men. If you don't find at least one thing wrong about that set-up, seek help.
10 ) Years for fears: Rubik's Cubes, Doogie Howser, leg warmers, Samantha Fox ... I'm sorry - what was the appeal of the 80's again?
11 ) Ben Affleck: It's difficult to figure out his next career move. I don't believe that Hollywood Squares is on now.
12 ) Prince Harry's Nazi gaffe: The only good thing about this is that France is ready to surrender to him.
13 ) Young blood: Twenty-three-year-old Jose Alanis has been named assessor for the town of Cicero. He agreed to the position only if he got home in time to see TRL.
14 ) Drink up: One of President Bush's inauguration balls had over 2,500 bottles of wine - and those were just for the Bush twins.
15 ) Labor daze: There's a book called 50 Jobs Worse Than Yours, which spotlights positions like gravedigging and substitute teaching. Now, what do you do if you have one of those jobs?
16 ) Numb3rs: A mathematician helps solve crime. Apprehending a criminal using a gun: cool. Catching a perp using long division? Um, not so much...
17 ) Ben Curtis: The former Dell guy is now in a play based on The Joy of Gay Sex - and one of the people behind it is named Rimalower. I love it when punchlines write themselves.
18 ) It's true: O.J. Simpsons was one of the people originally considered to be the Terminator. I love it when punchlines...
19 ) Heading for the bills: A Utah legislator who's behind a cohabitation bill that'll benefit gays and lesbians is from Fruit Heights. I love it when ... oh, never mind.
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .