1 ) Ad nauseum: What do you mean Election Day has come and gone? I'm gonna miss those Melissa Bean-Phil Crane TV ads.
2 ) P. Diddy: He headed the 'Vote or Die' campaign. It was scary because he could've actually put out hits on everyone who didn't vote.
3 ) Sage advice: It looks like I was correct in picking Alan Keyes to go all the way ... back to Maryland.
4 ) Christian Slater: He was kicked out of a strip club for refusing to take off a mask. Conversely, Clay Aiken was kicked out for refusing to put one on.
5 ) Scissor Sisters: The group's lone female is named Ana Matronic. You know that there's an angry drag queen somewhere who wanted that name.
6 ) Beg, borrow, or steal: Chicago is set to fine aggressive panhandlers - and just how are they supposed to pay those fines?
7 ) Frank Francisco: He's the baseball player who threw a chair into a crowd, breaking a fan's nose. Don't ever ask him to have a seat.
8 ) Ashlee Simpson: Some people are surprised that she was caught lip-synching on 'Saturday Night Live.' What's next - that there are corrupt politicians? That Paris Hilton is not a genius? That living is the main cause of dying?
9 ) All the buzz: There are plans to have 30,000 Starbucks coffeehouses worldwide. It looks like that Onion headline about a Starbucks opening in the bathroom of another Starbucks wasn't too far off.
10 ) Mmmm...: PieWorks, a growing chain in the South, offers alligator, Spam®, and jelly beans among its 163 pizza toppings. Should they offer something like a 'Splurge 'n Purge' special?
11 ) Paris Hilton: She wants to have a boy named London and a daughter named China. If she really wants to stand out, she should have a boy named Queens.
12 ) The naked truth: October's Playboy featured topless 'poses' of video game characters. Not to be outdone, Wilma Flintstone will bare all in Penthouse.
13 ) Inez Tenenbaum: The South Carolina Democratic Senate candidate supported the invasion of Iraq and an amendment to ban gay marriage. Where the hell did that leave the Republican contender?
14 ) David Bowie: The singer accidentally got a lollipop stuck in his left eye during a recent concert - thereby forever redefining the term 'eye candy.'
15 ) The skin game: Seventeen percent of people who get tattoos end up regretting it - led by lesbians who have the phrase 'Bush Forever.'
16 ) Florida Atlantic University: The school offers a course on... walking. Could you honestly tell someone that you made the dean's list by taking classes on how to get around the block?
17 ) George Michael: He wants to pull a Madonna and kiss Justin Timberlake on stage. No offense, George, but I'd rather see Mr. Timberlake have his own wardrobe malfunction.
18 ) Britney Spears: No doubt you've heard her remake of 'My Prerogative.' Considering who she married, though, shouldn't she have covered 'Love Don't Cost a Thing?'
You've been a great audience. Send your comments to westelm406@yahoo.com .
