1) Jack Ryan: I really hope he jumps back into the Senate race. "In Da Club" would be a bitchin' campaign song.
2) Mariah Carey: She's the subject of a show called "It's Good to be Mariah Carey." Yeah – maybe ten years ago.
3) Doggone: Chicago's Millennium Park won't allow dogs for its first year. I guess pets are responsible for the
graffiti we see in some of the other parks.
4) Date and switch: I once had a blind date who said he looked like William Hurt. Actually, he looked like William hurt him.
5) "Crossing Jordan": A spin-off of the show is in the works. I thought people had to watch the original for that to happen.
6) John Edwards: It's going to be tough for him in some places – you know, the ones with curfews.
7) Troy: It's too bad there won't be a sequel. I was looking forward to Brad Pitt coming back from the dead and kidnapping Orlando Bloom.
8) Gwyneth Paltrow & Courtney Cox: They've named their children Apple and Coco, respectively. Don't forget that Guava and Cognac are great names too.
9) The African-Caribbean Festival: It was a cool fest – but did the organizers really mean to have a place called Bob Marley Grass Row?
10) Justin Timberlake: He talks to his mother about sex and calls Cameron Diaz "Mommy." Paging Oedipus...
11) Waterlogged: Chicagoans who live in single-family homes and small apartment buildings will soon have to pay for their water. So much for my foam parties.
12) The skin game: Here's an idea – see how many porn parody titles you can come up with in a minute. In 10 seconds, I came up with Intercourse with the Vampire, Spankenstein, and What Ever Happened to Lady Pain.
13) Creed: The band has called it quits after eight years together. I just thought I'd bring a little sunshine to your day.
14) Glossin' over: The nightclub Domaine has a makeup artist in its ladies room for quick touch-ups. Why a gay club didn't come up with this first is beyond me.
15) Sad, but true: The average chocolate bar has eight insect legs in it. I just hope those lumps are almonds.
16) Retro: Hitmakers from the 80's (Prince, Lionel Richie, George Michael) are scaling today's album charts – so where's Rick "Never Gonna Give You Up" Astley?
17) Moises Alou: The Chicago Cub urinates on his hands to harden them. If I ever shake his hand, I'm going to have a gallon of Purell® with me.
18) Weather or not: A recent report stated that, with all the technology, weather forecasters are no more accurate than they were 50 years ago. I think my rain-splotched leather chaps can attest to that.
19) Hello: In some Australian tribes, men grab and shake each other's penis as a greeting. It's like Steamworks has gone global.
20) Fahrenheit 9/11: I think what disappointed President Bush the most was that the promised Shrek cameo never happened.
I'm at email@example.com .