1) Catherine Zeta-Jones: She's said that she'll never divorce her husband. Of course, it's easy to say that when your spouse already has one foot in the grave.
2) Tears for Fears: The 80s duo has reunited and signed with a record company. I can't wait for "Everybody Wants to Rule the World (The J. Lo Remix)."
3) David Bowie: He's appearing in ads for Tommy Hilfiger. Not to be outdone, Christina Aguilera will show up in ads for Frederick's of Hollywood.
4) What a trick: At the Coney Island Sideshow School, you can learn to eat light bulbs, hammer nails into your nose, and swallow foot-long objects – although I can see how that last skill would be practical.
5) Eyeball jewelry: Now people are getting jewelry inserted into their eyeballs. It's just the thing to go with that rectal piercing.
6) Do-it-yourself: A Mexican woman recently performed a C-section on herself. Considering I have qualms about cutting a tomato, I find that pretty impressive.
7) Michael Bergin: He's penned a book about his alleged affair with JFK, Jr.'s wife. Editors went with another title after deciding that Desperate Actions from a Crass Man was too obvious.
8) George Bush: What's going on with this guy? He probably first thought that the Presidential Daily Brief involved a change of underwear.
9) Flexitarian: This is the term for a vegetarian who occasionally eats meat. This type of person is also brave enough to walk by a Fogo de Chao restaurant.
10) The Osbournes, Part I: As part of a contest, Ozzy once licked up his own urine – and someone else's. I've heard of recycling, but that's ridiculous.
11) The Osbournes, Part II: Now Kelly is entering rehab. I don't want to say that this family overindulges, but I think the dog just checked out of Betty Ford a few weeks ago.
12) I'll tumble for ya: After being thrown from a horse, Paris Hilton was air-lifted to a hospital because, according to a TV spokesman, "whenever you're dealing with talent, you always want to be extra careful." Well ... I guess what she did in that video counts as talent.
13) Tom Cruise: He's split from Penelope Cruz. In other surprising news, toilets flush and seasons change.
14) Dawn of the Dead: In this movie, zombies converge at a
shopping mall. Don't tell me a gay zombie didn't plan that.
15) Tonya Harding: She said that she would never, ever lower herself to wrestling in the mud. Yeah ... that celebrity boxing showed that she has standards.
16) Johnny Cochran: O.J.'s former lawyer plans to write a children's book. I can see it now: "If Cinderella's shoe doesn't fit/ Then the girl's gotta split."
17) Irv Gotti: Before changing his music company's name from Murder, Inc. to just Inc., he said that the artists are "peaceful guys." If that's the case, why wasn't the name Serenity, Inc.?
18) Courtney Love: If only she would come out of her shell...
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .