1) Don't tell me: Madonna has voiced her support for General Wesley Clark to be President of the United
States. I hope he doesn't start wearing a cone bra now.
2) The Gest man: How could David Gest not know
something was up with Liza? He should've suspected something when she screamed the wrong
name during sex – Jack Daniels.
3) Discuss: After he was
captured, didn't Saddam Hussein look like
an Iraqi Nick Nolte?
4) Going at it: Teen actresses Lindsay Lohan (Freaky Friday) and Hilary Duff
(Cheaper by the Dozen) are currently feuding over ... a boy, of course. I hope they settle things like mature
individuals – on Fox's next installment of Celebrity Boxing.
5) Beer and now: The recent Beer Drinker of
the Year Championship in Denver featured competitions in drinking, beer knowledge, and "beer whispering." I
hope Robert Redford doesn't option THAT as a movie.
6) Kelis: Her new single, "Milkshake," celebrates
jiggling breasts. She's basically the new Dairy Queen.
7) Drink up: The amaretto cheesecake "caketail"
contains cream cheese, amaretto liqueur, roasted almonds, and graham cracker crumbs. I can't wait for the
fruitcake one so I can constantly give one away.
8) You've been erased: In the upcoming movie Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, people have the option of removing painful memories. Aren't there about 10 or
20 dates you'd like to delete from your memory bank?
9) Doggone: In England, a collie went to retrieve a
stick and came back with a live grenade. ("What's that, Lassie? You said Timmy went boom?")
boy, ad boy: A Gatorade commercial will showcase Michael Jordan from 1987 playing the present-day Jordan
... or, as I like to call them, Jordan B.M. (Before Mistress) and A.M. (After Mistress).
11) Oil's well that ends
well: Some people at the University of Vermont have cars that run on
vegetable oil. I'll be really impressed
when the engines double as skillets.
12) Milk of Magnesia: It's now sold in French vanilla in addition to its
regular flavor. Pretty soon it'll be available in all Starbucks flavors.
13) LL Cool J: He said that he won't eat
pork or scallops because he feels like he's eating someone's colon. And he knows what a colon tastes like
14) Going to great lengths: A Japanese psychic named Kaho claims to tell men's futures by
performing oral sex on them. She told Tommy Lee that he would live a long life.
15) Moby: He was
attacked after a concert during which he spoke out against aggression and
violence. It's a good thing he
didn't speak out against pregnancy.
16) Here's a line not to use: "Is that a keg in your butt? 'Cause I'd like
to tap it."
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .