1. The vest boy: Rapper 50 Cent has given his six-year-old son a tailor-made bulletproof vest. We've gone from Baby Gap to Baby Gat.
2. Lou Ferrigno: When asked how the new computer-generated Hulk compared with his original one, the actor said that 'the real person is more human.' Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Lou Ferrigno!!!
3. Lording it over: The Lord of the Rings is being made into a musical. As long as Harvey Fierstein doesn't want to be a hobbit, it should do OK.
4. Jail bait: Accused murderer Scott Petersen is getting love letters while in jail … for those who love them tall, dark, and homicidal.
5. Lil Kim: In her song 'The Jump Off,' she brags how she can make a Sprite can disappear in her mouth. Big deal. I can make a six-pack of Bud Light disappear in mine.
6. David Beckham: The soccer player's medical physical was broadcast on Spanish TV … re-defining Must-See-TV.
7. Madonna: She's in an ad for The Gap. I just can't wait for Jennifer Lopez to see the softer side of Sears.
8. Ashton Kutcher: He's being paid $6 million for the 2004-05 season of That 70's Show. Somehow, I feel like I've been punk'd.
9. 'Boy Meets Boy': This Bravo reality show features a gay man who may end up choosing a straight man as a mate. I'll watch this show as soon as they have drag kings on 'The Bachelor.'
10. African keen: You just know that, before his trip to Africa, President Bush thought that Senegal was a laxative.
11. John Leguizamo: He played a boxer in HBO's Undefeated. He hadn't looked so good since To Wong Foo.
12. Sinead O'Connor: She's officially retired from singing. Both of her fans are said to be highly upset.
13. Redux: There were 11 big-screen movie sequels out this summer. Everything new is old again.
14. Paul Reubens: Celebrities are still defending the man who would be Pee Wee Herman by claiming his art is eccentric, not pornographic. I hope that doesn't include the movies Rear Factor and Grinding Nemo.
15. Vanna White: She wrote a letter to a cat that watches her on television. I think the letter was 'X.'
16. What's up with gay men who try to hook up with straight ones? Trying to be accepted where you're not wanted … is that what being a Log Cabin Republican is like?
17. Ancient: Old Roman cosmetics were found at a site in London. They came from Maximus Factor.
18. Sad, but true: The average chocolate bar has eight insect legs in it. I just hope those lumps are almonds.
19. Michael Jackson: He got into a fistfight with a woman—and, boy, can that Bea Arthur kick some ass.
I'm at westelm406@yahoo.com .
