Here are a few thoughts while I figure out how to recall Governor Blagojevich so Oprah can run...
1) Arnold Schwarzenegger: Great. If he's elected governor, Californians will have their first State of the State addresses with subtitles.
2) Mary Carey: The California gubernatorial candidate wants to tax breast implants. That alone should take the state out of debt.
3) It's true: A Brazilian man who went to a clinic to have an aching ear checked ended up getting a vasectomy by mistake. I've heard of having your head up your ass but never of your ear in your testicles.
4) Madonna: I can't wait for the female R. Kelly to tongue-kiss the Olsen twins.
5) Let's make a steal: People are stealing vanilla extract from grocery stores because of its alcohol content (70 proof). Come to think of it, I did see Diana Ross at a Jewel last week.
6) Java justice: Patrons of Santa Monica's The Legal Grind can pay $25 for coffee and legal advice. I can see a TV show spun off from this: "Latte & Order."
7) Jerry Hall: Mick Jagger's ex said that she doesn't worry about their children doing drugs. Looking at Keith Richards will work better than any Scared Straight program.
8) Gigli: Rare is the movie that makes Swept Away look like Gone with the Wind.
9) Amanda Moore: The lesbian supermodel punched out a guy who came on to her girlfriend. So much for girls being made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
10) Mike Ditka: The former Chicago Bears coach will promote Levitra, a Viagra competitor. Never has his nickname, Iron Mike, been so well earned.
11) Pants: How tight is too tight on a guy? If I can figure out his religion, it's too tight.
12) Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston: Think of all the keepsakes their daughter will have: Mommy's first crack pipe, Daddy's album of mug shots ...
13) Speaking in tongues: Nine Army linguists were supposedly discharged for being gay. Just because they asked foreign officers, "Voulez vous couchez avec moi c'est soi?" doesn't mean anything.
14) Silent Hill 3: In this PlayStation game, a shopping mall transforms into a place with gruesome bodies and evil creatures. Usually, you have to wait until the holiday season for that to happen.
15) "Say, Say, Say": I saw this classic Paul McCartney-Michael Jackson video recently and realized that Michael's sister LaToya was cast as his love interest. In a way, this explains a lot.
16) Indiana University: A porn movie was recently filmed on its campus. Is everyone thinking what I'm thinking for a good title ... "Hoosier Daddy?"
17) Lebron James: The high school graduate and future pro basketball star has signed endorsement contracts worth over $100 million. Thank God he can now afford to go to college.
I'm at firstname.lastname@example.org .