1) Joint effort: Teens say that marijuana is easier to purchase than cigarettes or beer. They just wish that Whitney Houston would stop hitting them up for 'one more toke.'
2) Wedded miss: This just in … Jennifer Lopez just announced that she's marrying Elvis.
3) They are the greatest: Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians just released a greatest-hits compilation. Next, the guys behind 'Macarena' will be releasing theirs; it'll be 16 mixes of the same song.
4) Leelee Sobieski: The actress said that she's thankful that she finds good presents for her brother and boyfriend, whose birthdays are the same day. She should be grateful that they're not the same person.
5) Trent Lott: Did you hear that he's starring in a movie? It's called Do the White Thing.
6) Mixed bag: Scientists have actually spliced spider DNA into a goat. Now there's a goat you can kill with a can of Raid.
7) Alec Baldwin: If he wants to help his career, maybe he should change his name to SpongeAlec Baldpants.
8) Act up: Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore and Nicole Kidman star in The Hours. Madonna, Mariah Carey and Britney Spears will star in Seems Like Hours.
9) Justin Timberlake, Part I: His 'Cry Me a River' video features a two-timing Britney Spears look-alike. What would be cool is if she cheated with a Christina Aguilera look-alike.
10) Justin Timberlake, Part II: His solo CD, Justified, reminds me of Michael Jackson. He's just like The Gloved One … except Justin's darker.
11) Touchy: A startup called Developer VKB has perfected a way of projecting a virtual computer keyboard onto any surface. It could re-define taking dictation.
12) Paper trail: Repair crews in St. Louis use 170 rolls of toilet paper per day to fill cracks in city streets … which, amazingly, is slightly more than the number Ted Kennedy uses to fill his.
13) The Goat: In this Broadway production, Sally Field played a woman whose husband had an affair with the title creature. The goat liked him … it really, really liked him.
14) Overload: Century Theatre's 16-screen complex is slated to be built just a block west of downtown Chicago's 21-screen River East megaplex. I don't know if I can deal with Swept Away 2 on 37 screens.
15) Jim Ryan: He's still fuming about people confusing him with outgoing governor George Ryan. Maybe if he changed his name to Notorious J.I.M. ...
16) Mix 'n' match: Mash-ups take the entire vocal track of one song and lay it over the music track of another (www.boomselection.info). Now you can combine classic songs by Outkast and Madonna and get 'Rosa Parks (Like a Virgin).'
17) Flip flop: I'm not indecisive … or am I?