1) Oops: An Argentinian man has been refused treatment for a toothache because his medical records say he's been dead for several years … sort of like Pauly Shore's career.
2) Christian Bale: The muscular actor has been tapped to play Bruce Wayne in a new Batman movie. Anyone who thinks Batman should now just wear a mask and ass-less chaps say 'aye!'
3) Irritants: MTV showed a program showcasing the most annoying videos of all time. C'mon … now who could possibly find 'The Thong Song' video irritating?
4. Vin Diesel: In his next movie, The Chronicles of Riddick, he'll act opposite … Dame Judi Dench. Hey, if Madonna can be in a movie with Tom Hanks … .
5) Place licker: Waterford Township, Mich., hosted the first-ever dog football game. Unfortunately, the players kept celebrating touchdowns by peeing in the end zone.
6) Universal Music: The world's largest record company will slash CD prices from $18.98 to $12.98 … which means I'm that much closer to getting 'The Best of Vanilla Ice.'
7) Beyoncé: She left a photo shoot when the photographer demanded she strip and be covered in honey. Look … she may wear two postage stamps and a handkerchief in her videos, but she has standards.
8) Down there: Japanese women had been styling their pubic hair after David Beckham's Mohawk. Just be glad they didn't get dreadlocks.
9) Jennifer Lopez: One rumor stated that she postponed the marriage to Ben Affleck because a spiritual advisor recommended it. Why didn't she consult someone before filming Gigli?
10) Kelly Osbourne: She's playing the lead in a movie based on Alice in Wonderland. I just hope Ozzy doesn't try to bite the head off the White Rabbit.
11) Best of show: A three-year-old Pekingese that won an English dog show was accused of having a facelift. Just because a dog might look like Michael Jackson … .
12) Crossing the feline: Meow TV is a half-hour cable show for cats. It's weird seeing Snuggles fight her owner for the remote, though.
13) I'd Rather not: CBS news anchor Dan Rather has described political races as being 'tighter than wet jeans.' Thanks for the visual, Dan.
14) Stage left: A Chicago court has banned a local man from ever seeing the band Foreigner perform again. Is this supposed to be punishment?
15) The big one: Bruce Whittier of New Hampshire grew a pumpkin that weighed 1,458 pounds. To put that in perspective, that's about four Ted Kennedys.
16) Status symbol: If you want to hook up with a hottie nowadays, you don't need a BMW—you just need a job. ('You shuffle papers for a living? That sounds fascinating!')
17) Un-Bear-able: I'm starting to think that the Chicago Bears should just play Northwestern and call it even.
18) What a doll: The George W. Bush action figure is out in stores. You wind it up and it puts its head up its ass.
I'm at westelm406@yahoo.com .
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