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By Lola Lai Jong and Denys T. Lau
Born in Hong Kong and the youngest of four children, Denys T. Lau, Ph.D. ( photo courtey of Lau ) was 9 years old in 1982 when he came to the United States with his mother and sister. His father had emigrated five years earlier with his brother and oldest sister. 'It was kind of a shock for me to reunite with them after five years because I felt disconnected from them when I was growing up,' he said.
His earliest recollection of feeling attracted to men was when he was 10, and then had a 'real crush around 5th grade. I remember hanging out with some friends on a hot summer day and we were playing around with the water hose in the backyard... [ Then ] we had to clean up and change... I remember the cutest guy was changing next to me. I got all nervous. It wasn't sexual, but I was like, 'Hmm, what's going on?''
Lau attended Brooklyn Tech High School in New York City, which 'was a big deal because the school was in the heart of Brooklyn and I kind of went against my parents' wishes to stay in Queens where we lived,' he said. 'I was really defiant, but within certain parameters. ... I think we all need to question authority, but be smart about it—although, we shouldn't be defiant for the sake of being defiant.'
Talking about his first relationship with a guy, Lau said that the relationship 'happened freshman year in high school... It was very difficult for him because he grew up in a very Catholic family.' Lau felt his family was a bit more open-minded and 'didn't have a very strong, religious devotion that prevented them from understanding new things. Yes, they are Chinese, but at least you can reason with them, where if they were religious, they would say, 'because God ..or the Bible said so.''
Lau came out under the guidance of white lesbians—his biology and English teachers. They 'nurtured us and made me see how what a gay couple can become. I also learned a lot about the U.S. modern LGBT movement [ in New York ] from the white and lesbian perspectives.'
'I never thought being gay was a problem. It just never clicked, like why does it bother someone? It's almost like saying, 'Being Asian is bad.' It's their problem that they don't like gay people.'
Coming out to his siblings one by one throughout college, Lau then came out to his mom near college graduation, during a conversation about his future working with HIV/AIDS patients. 'I think she opened the door [ when ] she said, 'If you want to become a medical doctor and deal with HIV/AIDS patients, that's fine, because no one could question that. If you're not going to be a doctor and want to work with them, people are going to talk. Then, that may be a problem.' I said something like, 'Why would that be a problem? I don't understand.' She said, 'They'll think you'd be gay.' I said, 'I actually don't think it's bad.' It was kind of my way of broaching the idea. She said, 'Yeah, that would be really bad.' I said, 'I'm sorry to tell you. I am gay.' We actually talked through it. She dealt with it in her own way [ and ] did eventually accept it. I told my dad, [ who ] got really emotional ... I came out to him in a 30-minute soliloquy, saying, "It's not your fault. It's not a phase. It's not going to change. I'm still the same person you knew before, all that'. ... I tried to make the adjustment for him and my mom easier by addressing the common assumptions of being gay. I was thinking, 'If I can't be strong, they can't be strong.''
The gay and lesbian of color group on campus at Cornell University—which Lau was very active in—tried to start a fraternity with queer people of color '..to have a voice on campus ... but we didn't have the critical mass, where motivation, visibility and action intersect, where there are enough people to move the group forward. I think the pledging period lasted for 3 days when it was supposed to be a month. Still you could tell that among those who were in the group we were starving to get some activism going.'
After graduating, Lau took a consulting job in Washington, D.C., which 'like Chicago, is very segregated. I saw Asians but they were kind of peppered into the white niche. Why didn't they have their own space?' Noticing his own 'disconnection with other Asians' caused Lau to examine API ( Asian/Pacific Islander ) identity issues and resulted with his coming out, with an 'appreciation, connection, and realization of the beauty, and my attraction to, other API queer men.
'I started talking to several people about starting a group [ in ] 1997. Within four months, we went from 5 to about 20 people; got a name, banner, and logo together with a preliminary mission statement; [ and ] marched in that Pride Parade down 17th Street. It was magical. We named ourselves AQUA: Asian Pacific Islander Queers United for Action. We really wanted something very political.' Currently, AQUA is for API gay men, and recently celebrated its 10th anniversary.
Working now at Northwestern University, Lau is currently an assistant professor of medicine doing health services and policy research. 'Most of the research I'm doing is on older adults,' he said. 'I just got a five-year grant from [ The National Institute on Aging ] ... looking at how to make sure that medications are managed properly for hospice patients.
'Professionally, I like doing gerontology. People focus on pediatrics because babies are cute little beings— [ with their ] little baby poop and throw-up—and people think, 'It's all part of growing up.' But when older adults do the same thing, it's not cute. It's interesting when you look at the population—the oldest and the youngest; [ there's ] so much similarity in terms of their functioning level and reliance on others. The dignity and respect for elders in the latter part of their lives is lessened in the Western culture.
'Recently, I joined the Chicago Task Force on LGBT and Aging Health. The co-chair asked me to write a paper for LGAIN: The Lesbian and Gay Aging Issues Network of the American Society on Aging. The article focuses on concerns of the API/LGBT senior population. At first that sounded really easy. I was going to do a literature review. [ However, ] it turned out not to be the case. I couldn't find anything written on it. There are articles written on API groups, but the intersections of all three—API/LGBT and seniors—just don't exist. I realized I needed to do some footwork for this and interviewed some of the veteran leaders of the API/LGBT movement.
'What I found most interesting is that, in addition to being so diverse, the group had many unique aspects. The thing that stood out the most was the 'internationalness.' When we talk about short- or long-term stays overseas, there are legal rights, concerns and protections that need to be insured. In [ one ] situation, one man's sister lives overseas, and is willing to take care of him and his partner overseas when they retire.'
Lau added that another situation is 'API/LGBT people, who may, or may not be 'out' dealing with homophobia of their family members. The obligation becomes an extra burden [ because ] they have to hide their own personal life. In this case especially, I think, it's very sad to hear stories where the API lesbians taking care of their parents are always seen as being single, even when they have life partners. And the parents do not respect the partner in her own household.'
Regarding discrimination, he added that 'the issue of ageism cuts across API and other races. It is so ingrained in the U.S. culture—and, seemingly more so, in the LGBT community, which is so youth- and image-oriented.
'I'm hoping that in the future, somehow, API/LGBT seniors can overcome that pressure, [ because ] traditionally, there's still a lot of value in their being our elders. There should be respect for their wisdom. If we can somehow reach back to that and really embrace it, perhaps there will be more API/LGBT older adult groups in United States. I think there's an obvious need. I think some API/LGBT activists are approaching the older age brackets, themselves. When you've been activist all your life, you want to step back and let the younger generation take over. But the younger generation doesn't really focus on the older adults, so you have that missing gap. API/LGBT activists are fewer in number, and may not be professional activists. I hope to be part of a new movement to help focus the attention on API/LGBT older adult groups.'
Read Denys T. Lau's article, 'LGBT Asian and Pacific Islander Elders Face Distinct Issues in Midlife, Old Age' at
www.asaging.org/asav2/lgain/enews/07fall/cultural_competence.cfm .
For more information about i2i ( Invisible to Invincible: Asian & Pacific Islander Pride of Chicago ) of which writer Lola Lai Jong is a member, visit www.chicagoi2i.org .
